Going Loco by Lynne Truss Page B

‘You don’t mind?’
    Belinda laughed. ‘Mind what?’
    ‘Being compared like that? Are you sure? As sure as eggs is eggs?’
    ‘Why would I want to spend an evening with Mother when I could be here with you? Thank you very much, Linda. That’s what I say. What a star.’
    They snuggled together again.
    ‘Some people would be jealous, that’s all. Ingrid was a jealous person. And you are jealous of Viv sometimes, I think.’
    ‘I’ll tell you the only time I feel really jealous,’ said Belinda, putting her hand under Stefan’s shirt and stroking his skin. ‘It’s when I think of Ingrid. Or when you look at Maggie, or Maggie looks at you. I saw her whisper to you last night and Igot hot and raw and murderous, and I felt sick. That’s when I feel jealous.’
    Like most people, Stefan was both pleased and apprehensive at the idea that his loving partner would kill to keep him true.
    ‘That was a dandy meal Linda made. Sea bass. It’s a crying shame you couldn’t have it. You will have to tell her you think fish is strictly for the birds.’
    ‘Yes. But anyone who does what she does – well, you’ve got to make a few allowances. Did you hear about next door’s cat?’
    ‘I did.’
    ‘She’s going to be amazing. She’s having lunch with Jorkin for me tomorrow.’
    ‘You know about that?’
    ‘I overheard.’
    ‘You don’t mind about that either?’
    ‘Oh, Stefan, why should I mind? I loathe Jorkin, he never has any decent ideas, and the extra time not having lunch with him means I can get on with the masterwork. I think it’s marvellous.’
    ‘I would lay down the law, if it were me. And stop the rot.’
    ‘Mm.’ Belinda shrugged.
    ‘I mean, who is this Linda? Was she born under a gooseberry bush? You entrust her to run our lives, and bake my dressing-gown in the airing cupboard, and question me about my moose-hat, and make sea bass without asking – and all I know is that she tell me she’s like Nature, she abhors a vacuum.’
    ‘Is that what she said?’ said Belinda, evidently pleased by the idea. ‘Honestly, Stefan, don’t take it so seriously. It’s all in a good cause. The way I see it, if she really does abhor a vacuum, that’s marvellous news.’
    ‘And she can always use a dustpan and brush,’ said Stefan,solemnly, before breaking into a proud grin. ‘Which is a good yoke, I think.’
    Belinda kissed him. ‘What is it you used to call me?’ she asked, teasingly.
    ‘I used to call you, um, “Come to bed, Miss Patch”.’
    ‘I can’t believe I let you get away with that.’
    ‘No. Sometimes neither can I.’

Five
    Life without Neville turned out to be exhilarating for Belinda. For yes, as she soon recognized with a pang, the rats had taken one look at Linda, packed their trapeze equipment and gone. Only a whiff of sawdust remained, and the echo of a drum-rolled ‘Hup!’ Belinda wondered whether she should break the good news to Stefan; but since he’d never subscribed to the Flying Vermin Brothers in the first place, decided to let this important Linda achievement pass unmarked.
    Besides, banishing imaginary rats from her employer’s alimentary canal was only one of Linda’s more rudimentary accomplishments. For, returning next day from lunch with Jorkin, she bit her lip for a minute and then admitted that she’d sacked him.
    ‘I’m so sorry, but the thing is, he had no ideas and no belief,’ she told an astonished Belinda, as she tied an apron over a rather smart, pale pink skirt she’d worn for the meeting. She climbed a little set of steps and started methodically sorting a kitchen cupboard and, without the least fuss or bother, slipping most of its appalling contents into an open bin-liner.
    ‘You don’t mind, do you?’ she asked, disposing of an ancient lolly-making set. ‘Sacking your agent?’
    ‘Not at all,’ said Belinda, almost choking with bewilderedexcitement. Linda had worked here for less than twenty-four hours and had already jettisoned