Hannah (The Hawthorne Sisters) by Ava Catori Page A

moving into his home. Was she ready for all of that? He said he’d move slowly, but how slowly did she want to go? What difference did it make if they started life together this month or next year?
    Closing her eyes, she remembered his kisses and how she wanted so much more. There was nobody that had given her those kinds of feelings inside. This was special. So why was she lingering on the topic of marriage? She knew he’d make a wonderful husband. What more could she ask for, right?
    What was bothering her so much? She’d slipped her hand into her pocket when she walked in, not wanting her mother to see. She wasn’t ready to talk about it. Shouldn’t she be jumping up and down, sharing the news with the rest of the world? Why was she embarrassed to admit they were moving quicker than expected?
    Was it all the crap she’d given Allie for moving so fast in her own relationships? Thinking of Allie, she realized she hadn’t talked to her in a while. She was glad she’d be there for Thanksgiving, and then they’d finally have a chance to get to know Richard better.
    Should they announce their engagement at Thanksgiving? Should she tell them sooner? Was she ready to share the news? What was it that made her so damn nervous about the conversation? What if they told her she was foolish for wanting to marry an older man? What if they thought she was silly for accepting his proposal so soon? Why does it matter what they think? Hannah’s thoughts jumped from one to the next faster than she could keep up with. Anxiety – it was covering her like webbing she couldn’t escape.
    What was she afraid of? Bryce made her feel special. She loved being around him, and felt safe in his arms. Only when she admitted the truth to herself, she realized she still felt like a child. She lived at home with her mother, had very little life experience other than working on the farm and going to school, and suddenly she felt like a fraud. What if who he thought he was marrying, wasn’t truly what he was getting?
    He saw her as strong, independent, and capable. Sure, that was true at home, where she had to take over after her father’s death…but having to run her own home? Having to be an adult all the time, having to become a person responsible for another human being, the idea of being a mom? It scared her to the core. She loved the idea of children, but not yet. What if he was ready now? He was older than she was, probably ready to start a family sooner. Babies meant her independence would be over and she’d be tied to this way of life, taking care of someone else for the next twenty years. Not feeling very adult, Hannah rolled over, realizing that maybe, just maybe, this growing up thing scared her more than she wanted to admit. She had a safety net living with her parents. She’d have to be the safety net to a child of her own…and what if she wasn’t good at it?
    Everything changed after her father died. She went from being a child to a parent. It’s almost like she switched roles with her mother, feeling the need to take care of the family. It was a lot of pressure, but it needed to be done. Her mother was incoherent, lost in her depression, and decisions needed to be made. She knew she had it in her, but responsibility could be crushing.
    Was she ready to trade in her freedom for a lifetime of responsibility?
    And her father, Hannah realized he wouldn’t be at her wedding. He wouldn’t meet her children. He wouldn’t walk her down the aisle. He wouldn’t be here to share in the rest of her life. It was the first time it had hit her this hard since his death close to a year ago. How had that much time even passed?
    Life had changed so much. And what if she left to live with Bryce ? Who would take care of the farm? She didn’t want Maggie and Sarah saddled with those things. They had brighter futures. Maggie was soaring in school and could do grander things than working on a farm. Sarah was too young to have to worry about