Happy Birthday Eternity by Luke Alden

that reminds me of an emotion that I thought I forgot.
    I wish I could find her.
    And I look at her.
    I want to yell.
    I do yell.
    ‘I want you back!’
    And she looks at me and I know she's not real but she's all I have.
    ‘Then find me.’
    And I stand there for a second.  There's chatter in the background from a television that's on too loud. 
    I can't find much to say.  My heart is racing and my forehead shines with a sweat that comes from nerves that burn.
    Because I don't know if I can love her like she deserves to be loved.
    Because I don't know if I can change who I am.
    Because I now doubt all the emotions that I've ever had.
    But I guess that's what it's all about.  Fear and doubt.  Right now, my greatest fear, it's of being alone forever.
    Forever is a long time. 
    And I know that she can't answer, but I ask anyway:
    ‘Where are you?’
    With my body slumping over, with my frame sitting on the edge of a bed that's older than it has any right to be, with my heart trying to crack my ribs and my lips that scab from pain I've felt, with all of this,  I want her to know that I want her back.
    And she stands there and stares and she tells me that she'll know where she is when I know where she is.  And me, I'm feeling like I should already know, because I was with the curly haired man.  We were in the city, I know we were.  And so I know that she's in the city.  I know she is.  She had to be with him.  She had to be somewhere close.  She had to be watching.  She knew where I was. 
    And maybe it's wishful thinking. 
    And I know everything has a meaning. 
    There's no way that I would be abducted for no reason at all.  Maybe this is her way of telling me what she's up to these days.  Maybe she's trying to let me know that everything is ok.
    I have no clue.
    I just want to hold her.
    So instead of sulking, I grab a bag.  I go to a dresser.  I throw some clothes into it.  Evaline, the one that's part of my brain, she looks at me and she starts to ask what I'm doing but the words never come out of her mouth. 
    She knows what I'm doing.
    I sit down at a table.  Part of me feels that I should write a note to my parents, let them know where I'm going.  The other part of me, it knows that they won't notice that I'm gone.  I've been gone ever since I got here.  I'm a broken down mess.
    I’m a broken down mess and while they may notice it, they don't know what to do about it.
    I don't bother with a note.
    I grab my bag and ask Evaline if she's coming.
    ‘Do I have a choice?’
    And with that we walk out the door.
    I don't have a car.
    There are no reliable means of transportation. 
    So I go to Franklin.
    Three knocks and he opens the door.
    ‘What happened to your fa…’
    I push him inside and close the door behind us.  He looks confused. 
    ‘I'm going to find Evaline, either you come with me or you give me your car.’
    And Franklin, he's looking at me with big stupid eyes that betray a confusion that I don't care to explore.  All I want is to get where I need to be.
    And Franklin starts to open his mouth.
     
    8
     
    Time passes as if it's going somewhere.  It keeps moving as if there's an end destination.  There isn't.
    No change.
    No progress.
     
    9
     
    I'm driving Franklin’s car. 
    Moving down a city street at a slow pace.  Franklin, he elected to stay at home.  Told me that he wanted the car back by the end of the week.  I have five days. 
    Evaline, she's my passenger.
    She's my illusion.
    She's my purpose.
    And I'm driving as if I know where I'm going.  The problem is that I don't.  There is no set path.  I don't know where to start. 
    I only know where I want things to end.
    And Evaline, she smiles.
    And I pull into a gas station. 
    The car rolls to a stop and it feels good to be mobile.  It feels good not to be trapped on a bus and faking conversations with strangers as if they had some sort of relevance in my life.
    I park.
    Kill the engine.
    Stare out the