Harold Pinter Plays 2 by Harold Pinter

cup.
    LEN: What do we do now?
    PETE: Give me the tea.
    LEN: Without milk?
    PETE: There isn’t any milk.
    LEN: What about sugar? [ Moving towards door. ]He must have a pint of milk somewhere. [ He exits to kitchen. Noise of opening cupboards etc. He reappears with a couple of gherkins in a jar. ]Here’s a couple of gherkins. What about a gherkin? [ Takes jar to PETE .] Fancy a gherkin. [ PETE sniffs, looks up in disgust. LEN sniffs and exits. ]Wait a minute. [
Kitchen noises.
LEN
reappears with a bottle of milk
.] Ah!  Here we are. I knew he’d have a pint laid on. [
Pressing the  top
.] Uuh! Uuuhh .… It’s stiff.
    PETE: I wouldn’t open that.
    LEN: Uuuhh …. why not? I can’t drink tea without milk. Uuh! That’s it. [ Picking up cup to pour. ]Give us your cup.
    PETE: Leave it alone.
    [ Pause. LEN shakes bottle over cup. ]
    LEN: It won’t come out. [ Pause .]The milk won’t come out of the bottle.
    PETE: It’s been in there two weeks, why should it come out?
    LEN: Two weeks? He’s been away longer than two weeks. [ Slight pause. ]It’s stuck in the bottle. [ Slight pause. ] You’d think a man like him would have a maid, wouldn’t you, to look after the place while he’s away, to look afterhis milk? Or a gentleman. A gentleman’s gentleman. Are you quite sure he hasn’t got a gentleman’s gentleman tucked away somewhere, to look after the place for him?
    PETE [ rising to replace book on shelf ] : Only you. You’re the only gentleman’s gentleman he’s got.
    [ Pause. ]
    LEN: Well, if I’m his gentleman’s gentleman, I should have been looking after the place for him.
    [ Pause. PETE takes brass toasting fork off wall. ]
    PETE: What’s this?
    LEN: That? You’ve seen that before. It’s a toasting fork.
    PETE: It’s got a monkey’s head.
    LEN: It’s Portuguese. Everything in this house is Portuguese.
    PETE: Why’s that?
    LEN: That’s where he comes from.
    PETE: Does he?
    LEN: Or at least, his grandmother on his father’s side. That’s where the family comes from.
    PETE: Well, well.
    [ He hangs up the toasting fork. ]
    LEN: What time’s he coming?
    PETE: Soon.
    [ He pours himself a cup of tea. ]
    LEN: You’re drinking black tea.
    PETE: What about it?
    LEN: You’re not in Poland.
    [ He plays recorder. PETE sits in armchair. ]
    PETE: What’s the matter with that thing?
    LEN: Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with it. But it must bebroken. It’s a year since I played it. [ He sneezes. ]Aah! I’ve got the most shocking blasted cold I’ve ever had in all my life. [ He blows his nose. ]Still, it’s not much of a nuisance really.
    PETE: Don’t wear me out. [ Slight pause. ]Why don’t you pull yourself together? You’ll be ready for the loony bin next week if you go on like this.
[ LEN uses recorder as a telescope to the back of PETE’S head. ]
    [ Pause. ]
    LEN: Ten to one he’ll be hungry.
    PETE: Who?
    LEN: Mark. When he comes. He can eat like a bullock, that bloke. Still, he won’t find much to come home to, will he? There’s nothing in the kitchen, there’s not even a bit of lettuce. It’s like the workhouse here. [ Pause. ]He can eat like a bullock, that bloke. [ Pause. ]I’ve seen him finish off a loaf of bread before I’d got my jacket off. [ Pause. ]He’d never leave a breadcrumb on a plate in the old days. [ Pause. ] Of course, he may have changed. Things do change. But I’m the same. Do you know, I had five solid square meals one day last week? At eleven o’clock, two o’clock, six o’clock, ten o’clock and one o’clock. Not bad going. Work makes me hungry. I was working that day. [ Pause. ] I’m always starving when I get up. Daylight has a funny effect on me. As for the night, that goes without saying. As far as I’m concerned the only thing you can do in the night is eat. It keeps me fit, especially if I’m at home. I have to run downstairs to put the kettle on, run upstairs to finish what I’m doing, run downstairs to cut a sandwich or arrange a salad, run