He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page A

that in each instance I would find myself fantasizing about ‘being saved’ by these impossible choices.”
—ANNA, thirty-nine
“I become obsessed with the women who’ve gotten away—women who, for one reason or another, are beyond my reach. I keep thinking they might be perfect for me. Once, for example, I fell head over heels in love with a woman who I spotted from a moving car. I never saw her again, but I carried this picture of her around in my head for years. I was positive that we were meant for each other. My mother, who is pretty disgusted with my single state, recently asked me if I had ever met any woman who I thought I could marry. I asked her to clarify what she meant by ‘met.’ I told her that if it didn’t matter whether or not we had ever actually spoken, then there was this woman in a car. I could have married her.”
—KEN, thirty-five
    Many people with commitment conflicts are incurable romantics with the most traditional views on love and marriage; they may firmly believe that when they get married, it will be “till death do us part.” Because they see relationships as tremendous obligations, they typically insist that they respect the sanctity of the marriage vows, even when they are behaving quite differently. If they’ve never been married before, they make it clear that marriage is something they only want to do once in their lives; if theyhave married before, they want the next one to be the last one. These people want their love to be forever and they expect a total “in love” sensation all the time. And they don’t care how many statistics suggest otherwise. Until reality creeps in, they imagine each of their loves as destined or ordained by karma.
    Experts in romantic fantasy, these men and women prefer to live and love in fantasy relationships because real relationships can evolve into real commitment, and that’s much too threatening. The problem is that if you follow your fantasies, you can end up leading a very confusing and unfulfilling life.
    IS IT COMMITMENT OR IS IT A FANTASY?
    Theresa, a twenty-eight-year-old waitress and student, is an example of someone who falls in and out of commitment because of her rich fantasy life. She says, “I’ve been in lots of relationships. I’ve lived with four men and I’ve hurt all of them because I change my mind. At first the man always looks wonderful to me. And then I notice stuff I don’t like. My friends tell me that I’m hopeless, but I don’t believe it—I believe that someday I’ll meet a guy who really is perfect. At the beginning of all my important relationships I’ve felt as though it was karma. I always dream about marriage and babies, and yes, I guess I do tell the men that I want a family. At the time that’s what I feel. But then usually the man starts doing stuff that makes me want to get away.”
    The “stuff” that Theresa refers to usually involves some form of “pressure” to get more committed. Theresa says that “everyone” also tells her that she is the same with work as she is with love. She came to school in southern California to study acting, but she found it boring, so she dropped out and took a job on a cruise ship. When she returned to shore, she enrolled in a course in management, but that was even more boring. Then she became interested in photography and enrolled in courses. Everyone agreed she had a real talent for it, but she had become more interested in sculpting. Right now she is taking courses in that, and she is thinking of moving to Europe, where she can enroll in art school full-time.
    Meeting Theresa, one quickly forgets about her erratic historywith work and with men. She appears somewhat shy, and she says that she is very upset by the fact that she has “hurt” the men in her life.
    “I sort of abandoned David, my last boyfriend. He’s having a difficult time getting over it. When we met two years ago, he was married. I really thought he was the man I was going to spend