He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter

about these realistic possibilities because most of their thoughts about commitment are based on fantasy. In the never-never land of their imaginations, there are no overflowing garbage pails, intrusive alarm clocks, dirty socks, or annoying reading lamps. The partners of their imagination are fantasy images: Like airbrushed photographs, they never get sick, never get old, never get fat, and most important never get real.
    Those with serious commitment conflicts are experts in romantic fantasy. They live and love in fantasy land because that’s the only place where they can resolve their conflicts. In their dreams, and only in their dreams, can they feel both committed and free. Although they tend to deny it, what they are usually dreaming about is high romance and not everyday, down-to-earth commitment.
    FANTASY MODELS FOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
    The mythologies and fairy tales of our culture are extraordinarily limited when it comes to producing models of a committed relationship. The fairy tales of childhood, for example, are notabout commitment. Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Snow White—these are about romance. They give us no information about what happens once the commitment has been made. Once they were married, did Cinderella and the Prince argue about how to redecorate the ballroom? After the kids were born, did Cinderella reconcile with her family for the sake of the children? Did her rotten stepsisters come around every weekend and make trouble? As the couple got older, did the Prince’s sexual enthusiasm wane? Did Cinderella’s hormones ever go awry? Did she suffer from PMS, postpartum depression, or menopausal fatigue?
    What about Beauty and the Beast? Once the Beast became a mere human mortal, did he lose some of his initial appeal? Once Beauty had transformed the Beast with the power of her love, did she feel as though she were at loose ends? Did she need a new project, a new focus for her energies?
    And how about Snow White? Once she was awake and talking, did she say the things her Prince wanted to hear? Or had she spent too many years living with the Seven Little Dwarfs to be able to relate to his world? Did he get bored with her? Did she try to change him? Did he wish she would stop talking so much?
    These are answers we will never know, because our fairy tales don’t take us past the wedding day. When the idyllic fairy-tale couple walks through the doors to marriage, we don’t see what happens next. For most of us, when the initial romance starts to fade, we face reality uneasily. Suddenly everything is no longer perfect, and we lose the hope of ever having fairy-tale perfection. It can feel as though a part of us is dying. Perhaps it is a fear of the unknown, or a fear of repeating the lives of our parents—but it always means giving up fantasies and romantic illusion. Not an easy thing to do for anyone, but particularly difficult for someone with commitment conflicts. Without the fantasy we may feel as though there is nothing exciting left.
    EARLY MESSAGES FROM OUR PARENTS
    Since we are talking about relationships, we cannot disregard the important messages about relationships that we carry over from our parents’ lives. These contribute significantly to our expectations, fantasies, and fears. If one or both of your parents were controlling, you may worry about control; if they were smothering, you may well feel smothered; if they were absent or neglectful, you may be carrying around old wounds and resentments. The messages we received from our parents when we were children all influence our ability to build real partnerships with real partners.
    ROMANCE, NOT COMMITMENT
“In my head I have committed myself wholeheartedly to some very unlikely men. I mean, really bad-news guys—rodeo riders with drug problems, married men who lived in Japan, temperamental bisexual artists, you name it, I’ve loved it. In retrospect I wonder what I could have possibly been thinking. The most amazing part is