Home Alone by Todd Strasser, John Hughes

kid, they didn't belong in the profession. Harry charged back through the front door just as Marv burst into the living room.
    "Where are you, twerp?" Harry shouted.
    "I'm here, Harry," shouted Marv.
    "Not you, the kid!" yelled Harry. He looked around the dark foyer. "It's too late for you, kid! We're coming for ya!"
    "Great!" Kevin called back. "Come and get me."
    Harry stormed into the kitchen and straight into a sheet of Saran Wrap covered with epoxy glue. As he pulled it off his face, he heard a whirring noise and turned around. A fan started to turn, blowing a pile of pillow feathers at him. "Oh, no!" Harry yelled. But it was too late.
    Marv heard Harry's cry and started toward the kitchen. In his path were a dozen little Christmas ornaments made of the thinnest glass imaginable. And Marv wasn't wearing shoes.
    " Yaaaahhhhhh! " he screamed.
    At the top of the stairs Kevin smiled and picked up his BB gun. Things were going well.
    A few moments later Harry bumped into Marv in the living room. Harry was still pulling feathers out of his eyes. Marv was pulling glass from the bottoms of his feet.
    "Why'd you take off your shoes?" Harry asked.
    "Why'd you set your head on fire?" Marv replied.
    "You guys give up yet?" Kevin shouted.
    Harry and Marv stared at each other.
    "I can't believe the kid's taunting us,' " Harry said.
    "Where is he?" Marv asked. "I'm gonna murder that kid."
    "I'm at the top of the stairs," Kevin yelled.
    Both crooks dashed into the foyer, where Kevin had left his Micromachines neatly lined up.
    "Aaaaahhhhhh!" Crash! Both crooks went flying. Kevin aimed the BB gun and started firing.
    "Hey, stay still," he yelled. "It's not easy hitting moving targets."
    "I'll kill him!" Harry shrieked. The crooks jumped to their feet and headed for the stairs. They were so enraged they hardly felt the BBs Kevin was firing.
    But Kevin had something they would feel. Old paint cans. Full of paint.
    Marv saw the first can coming and ducked. It hit Harry right in the face and knocked him back down the stairs. While Marv watched his buddy hit the floor, Kevin threw the second paint can. It hit Marv in the head. A moment later both crooks lay still on the floor. Kevin sat at the top of the stairs.
    "This is the way Christmas Eve should be," he said. "Nice and quiet."

December 24

    Oak Park

    10 P.M.
    Harry opened his eyes. He was lying at the bottom of the steps. Every part of his body throbbed with pain and his mouth felt different.
    Next to him, Marv moved and groaned. "I don't get it. He's only a kid."
    "Shut up," Harry mumbled as he got on his hands and knees.
    "Hey, Harry?" Marv said. "You're missing some teeth."
    "Well, you're missing some brains," Harry said. "Now let's get that kid. I'm gonna grind him into hamburger."
    Upstairs Kevin heard them and his eyes went wide with fear. He'd hoped that after the paint can bombing the crooks would give up. If they actually came up the stairs he didn't have many booby traps left.
    Kevin hsd to make a quick decision. He knew the police wanted him for toothbrush theft, but wouldn't it be better to spend time in jail than be ground into a hamburger? He ran into his mother's room and quickly dialed 911.
    "Oak Park police department."
    "Listen," Kevin whispered. "My house is being robbed. I live on Rivard Street. The house number's one, one, three—"
    Before he could finish he heard the steps creak. The crooks were coming up the stairs!
    "You throw another can, kid," Harry shouted. "And I'll boil you in oil before I grind you into hamburger."
    "One, one, three what?" the switchboard operator asked. But Kevin never heard her. He had to get up to the attic.
    Just as Kevin crept out of his parents' bedroom, the crooks came down the hall. Harry lunged at him, but hit the wire Kevin had strung through the doorway. Marv fell on top of Harry.
    Kevin ran for the attic stairs, but a hand went around his left ankle!
    "Help!" Kevin screamed, kicking Marv in the head with his right foot. "Help!