How Britain Kept Calm and Carried On by Anton Rippon Page B

bells! Five hundred men burst out laughing.
    The offending signalman, who had put on the wrong record, doubled-up to the commander. The officer asked him if he knew how far it was around the football field. When the signalman said that,
no, he didn’t know, the officer told him: ‘Well bloody well find out – and don’t come back!’
    Mr R. Taylor, Hull
    When I was in the cookhouse we always made the custard for the duff with water, it never saw milk. One day, as we prepared to dish up dinner, there was a panic. We had no
     hot water to make the custard. So one ‘gastronomic genius’ suggested straining the water from the carrots and using that. What a row we had with the lads when they got custard with
     tiny bits of carrot in it. We tried to tell them it was little bits of peaches, but they weren’t fooled.
    Mr A. S. Cobb, Hull
    During the early part of the war, I was a lieutenant in a unit stationed in Bradford. Our colonel had arranged for the officers to attend a variety show on the Saturday evening.
I was due to be orderly officer the next day. A well-known Bradford socialite had also laid on a party for us at her home and so it was arranged that we would go there immediately after the variety
show was over. At the latter, one of the acts was a race across the stage on little wooden rocking horses. According to how they were jerked forward, they either went along or just collapsed and
the rider had to pick himself up and start again. The chorus girls gave a trial run and then called for volunteers to go up on the stage and take a horse each. Well, before we knew where we were, a
lieutenant friend and I found ourselves manhandled up onto the stage to take part. There we were in all our glory, full service dress and Sam Brownes, falling off the horses!
    When the show was over, it was nearly 11 p.m. and off we went to the party. This went on until about 8 a.m., but I left at 6.30 a.m. as I had to inspect the men’s billets and then the
breakfast, besides cleaning myself up. I then had to take church parade. As I’d had no rest for over twenty-four hours, you can imagine how I felt. I just managed to reach the church with the
unit in fair regimental order. But the moment I sat in the pew, I just fell fast asleep. The colonel was reading the lesson and, exactly as he finished, my friend nudged me awake. Now, in that
split second of waking, I was still in the theatre and, in the deathly silence of the church, I started clapping loudly and must have got in about five to six claps before I realized. You can
imagine the reaction of the troops. No act at the theatre the night before got half such a hilarious reception as I received.
    Later that afternoon my friend and I were told to report to the colonel’s HQ at 10 a.m. the following day. I was called in first and the colonel really let me have it over making a fool of
myself at the theatre. Then he came to the church incident. This was beyond description! I just wanted to drop dead. My friend, who followed, only got the theatre fiasco.
    About eighteen months later, while serving in Egypt, I was spending seven days’ leave at Shepheard’s Hotel in Cairo. One morning, as I was leaving the hotel, I passed my old colonel
and a brigadier. I gave them a super salute and walked on. But I had only gone a few steps when a voice called out: ‘Captain?’
    I turned around and the colonel beckoned me over.
    ‘Weren’t you once in a unit that I commanded?’
    I said: ‘Yes, sir. In Bradford.’
    ‘Good! Now we can prove it! I’ve told the story so many times and to so many, and I know that few have believed me!’
    He then told me to go back into the hotel, where I was taken to the cocktail bar. About two hours later, a rather tottery brigadier, a not-too-good colonel and a very sickly me, parted ways.
    Reg C. Coutanche, Bournemouth

    When serving in the Royal Welch Fusiliers in 1942 (70th Battalion Young Soldiers Regiment), we had a march to a firing range a few