I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class by Josh Lieb Page A

because he’s still totally fat.
    MOTIVATOR : ( coughs ) Erm . . . Really? I don’t think he’s fat.
    LIZ : Are you crazy? He’s huge!
    MOTIVATOR : Erm . . . no . . . I hear he looks powerful. Handsome.
    LIZ : Huh. I guess he’s kind of cute. Like one of those poison fish that blow up, if you could pet them. Do you want the cookie part of my Oreos? I only eat the stuf.
    MOTIVATOR : I suggest you drop out of the election for class president.
     
    ( Sound of papers being taken out of an envelope )
     
    LIZ : Oh my God! That’s me!
    MOTIVATOR : I suggest—
    LIZ : ( delighted laughter ) Dancing around in my jammies, singing into my hairbrush. I remember doing that! That is so embarrassing!
    MOTIVATOR : Yes, exactly. So, I sug—
    LIZ : You know what? If my friends saw these? How embarrassing would that be! Where did you get them? Can I get more?
    MOTIVATOR : We can make an unlimited supply of—
    LIZ : Oh my God! What if we blew them up, like, poster-size, and put them up all over school. That would be so embarrassing! ( Ten-second-long giggle fit ).
    MOTIVATOR : ( long pause ) Do you know what the word embarrassing means?
    LIZ : It means hilarious! Can I have these pictures?
    MOTIVATOR : Knock yourself out.
    LIZ : I’m going to be totally humiliated!
    MOTIVATOR : What if I was to offer you anything in the world if you agreed to drop out of the election? 63
    LIZ : Anything?
    MOTIVATOR : Anything.
    LIZ : World Peace.
    MOTIVATOR : You can’t have that.
    LIZ : You said anything!
    MOTIVATOR : Besides that.
    LIZ : Mmm . . . a pet unicorn.
    MOTIVATOR ( urgently ): Permission to go to Phase Four! Please, give me permission to go to Phase Four!
    LIZ : Who are you talking to?
     
    ( A beat of silence ) 64
     
    MOTIVATOR : Damn it.
     
    ( A beat of silence )
     
    LIZ : This is getting boring.
    MOTIVATOR : Yeah, fine. I guess that’ll work. ( then, friendly ) Sorry, I should have told you before. I’m the doctor for the little boy who’s dying.
    LIZ : He is dying!
    MOTIVATOR : Yes. And the only thing that will cure him is if he wins the student-council election.
    LIZ : That makes sense.
    MOTIVATOR : The thing is, it won’t work if you tell anyone, even his parents. Do you understand?
     
    ( Sirens in the distance )
     
    LIZ : Sure. Don’t tell anybody.
    MOTIVATOR : Even his parents. Or you’ll kill—
     
    ( Sirens get much louder )
     
    MOTIVATOR : Are those coming here?
    LIZ : You set off the alarm when you opened the window.
     
    ( Beat of silence )
     
    MOTIVATOR : I hate you.
     
    ( Sound of steel-toed boots scrambling out a window )
     
    LIZ : Bye! Thanks for the pictures!
     
    ( Fin )

Chapter 15:
    EVIL IS MADE, NOT BORN
    I am not purely a force for destruction. I don’t only produce electro-rays, untraceable poisons, and blackmail files. One time, for instance, I invented this amazing gold-plated back scratcher—I think I already mentioned it. I also sometimes publish counterfeit Archie comics, in which Betty and Veronica dump that idiot Archie and devote their lives to worshipping the great Reggie. Because I think there’s an audience for that.
     
    But if I don’t make more constructive contributions to society, it’s really not my fault. I’ve never gotten any encouragement for such ventures.
     
    When I was five, my family drove to Florida for a week’s vacation. My father’s friend Don owned a house down there.
     
    I spent most of my first day at the beach building a sand castle with Mom, while Daddy sat in a folding chair reading ( see plate 11 ). For the most part, it was like he wasn’t even on the same vacation with us. He just sat there, reading, wearing black sunglasses and a blue Chicago Cubs baseball cap, getting bright red streaks on his shoulders. 65 But at one point, he looked up from his book and gave our castle a surprised look.

    PLATE 11: I spent most of my first day at the beach
building a sand castle
     
    “Wow, Marlene,” he said. “That’s some castle.”
     
    “Ollie did most of