I Just Want You to Know by Kate Gosselin Page B

like nine million blankets and put a teeny pink hat on your doll-sized headand placed all two pounds eleven ounces of you in my anxiously outstretched arms.
    I was completely unable to control the stream of tears that rolled down my cheeks as I cradled you closely for the first time since you left your spot right below my heart. I kissed you repeatedly, but your forehead was so small that each kiss nearly covered your entire face. You didn’t seem to mind as you slept peacefully in your Eskimo wrap.
    Every miniature part of you was exactly perfect. I almost couldn’t resist the urge I felt at that moment to get up and run straight home with you in my arms—except I knew that you needed to grow and gain strength before that was possible, so you needed to stay in your protective “bubble,” your incubator.
    I have enjoyed watching you grow, Hannah. Almost immediately you showed maturity beyond your years. You were barely walking when you assigned yourself the task, each morning as I dressed all of you, of collecting all six pairs of pajamas and depositing them in the hamper that loomed much higher than your head. Once, when you were two and a half, you cheerily announced that you would “go downstairs and watch the kids.” I laughed and thanked you as I reminded you “the kids” were the same age as you.
    You have always taken pride in your independence and your ability to help me. You have always seemed to know when I have been especially tired, and it is then that you offer extra help. I don’t think you know how much I have appreciated that.
    Early on, you developed a love of horses, and around the same time you took pride in your long hair—your own mane! This prompted my nickname for you, “Long Hair Lilly.” Sometimes you still request that I say good night to Long Hair Lilly, not Hannah! Other names you have taken on, that you have come toknow and love, are “Hanni” and “Muffy.” I have enjoyed seeing your gorgeous smile when I refer to you this way! It’s our little thing—no one else is allowed to call you those names! So beautiful you are!
    As an infant, you looked like a doll baby that I had purchased at the store. Really, you did! All of your little infant rolls were in just the right spots. You had perfectly round rosy cheeks, deep earnest brown eyes, and just the right amount of dark brown hair. As you have grown, you have taken on an exotic appearance. When you smile, the world lights up with you. Once when we visited Hawaii (remember all the fun?), a friend remarked that if we “left Hannah in Hawaii, she’d blend right in.” You were too precious to leave behind, of course, so naturally we brought our little Miss Hawaii home with us.
    I have enjoyed watching you grow. Even at five years old, I see who you are. You are a unique, bright, and honest little girl who is caring and loving. You are helpful and independent. You have a strong inner strength and much ability to succeed.
    Over the last few years our family has changed, and this has caused pain and doubt in you. It has shaken you as it has shaken each of us. This is all expected and normal as we learn to create a new family unit and navigate these differences. I want you to know that although our family life has changed, my love for you will never ever change. I am still the “same mommy,” as I frequently remind you and your brothers and sisters, and I always will be. Our structure may appear and feel different, but my goals as your mommy have not changed in any way.
    I want to help you, Hannah. And I want you to learn early on a lesson that I did not learn early enough: Accept help where you need it. Make yourself humble and realize that support and care from friends and family—and sometimes people you havenever met—will help you survive and succeed. Sometimes the best support comes when we least expect it from someone who we would least suspect to give it. These are angels that God sends our way to light our paths.
    In