I'm Having More Fun Than You by Aaron Karo Page A

fuck I can’t use my fingers properly and—gasp!—what else I may have been doing wrong the whole time.
    The benefit of hooking up drunk is that it renders all these deficiencies moot because both parties are sloppy, uninhibited, and won’t remember much in the morning anyway. Plus, there’s the fight-or-flight factor. When I hook up drunk I find myself attempting positions my body normally wouldn’t be able to handle. It’s kind of like if you witness an accident and then run over and lift an entire car off a person because your adrenaline is pumping so hard. No one has ever had sex standing, hanging, or balancing unless they’re hammered.
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    OBSERVATION
     
    Getting laid while wasted can be a tricky endeavor. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. If I’m too fucked up, trying to have sex is like trying to get the straw into a Capri Sun.
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    Have you ever been hooking up and realized the other person is still chewing gum? And she’s not even chewing it, but rather just holding it in her mouth like a wad of tobacco. What possible reason could a girl have to chew gum while hooking up? If she’s worried about her breath, a two-hour-old piece of Orbit ain’t gonna help. When I call a girl out on it, she gets slightly embarrassed and offers to get up and throw it out. Not so fast—once I’ve got you in bed and horizontal, I’m not taking any chances. One time I asked a girl if she could just swallow her gum. She responded, “Oh, I don’t swallow.” Well, that sucks for me.
    Whenever I’m trying to sleep with a girl, I always keep one hand on her body at all times. It’s kind of like one of those contests where whoever touches the car the longest wins it. If I go to shut off the light, I keep a hand on her breast. Looking for a condom? Hand on her ass. Just like all my other strategies, it’s all about keeping her preoccupied. I may not be able to take her bra off, but I sure can put a condom on while making out and never break stride.
    One of my least favorite sexual situations is hooking up in a pitch-black room with a chick who doesn’t make any sound. I have no idea what’s going on. I think to myself, “Is she enjoying this? Am I hurting her? For God’s sake, gimme a whimper or something.” Then my eyes start to adjust and I hear this strange noise and I’m like, “Wait a minute. Where did you get another piece of gum?”
    DIRTY TALK
     
    The girls I hook up with these days are comfortable with their bodies, they know what they like, and they’re vocal about it. Which is good. But the thing is, if a girl tells me what gets her off, pretty much no matter what it is, I’ll do it. If the girl says, “I want you to kiss my neck—but not too hard—then do a triple lutz off the bed, come back, and punch me in the face,” I’ll reply, “Not a problem.” But when I tell a girl what I like, she treats it like a negotiation. I’ll say, “Actually, I really like it when you kiss my nipples.” And she’ll respond, “Let me think about that. No. What else ya got?”
    I can talk dirty if I need to; I can keep up. But is there anything more awkward than when you talk dirty and the girl doesn’t hear you the first time? The girl will be moaning, “Oh, Karo. Oh yeah. That’s good.” And I’ll whisper, “Oh yeah, I love your ass.” And she’s like, “What?” I’m completely embarrassed. “Um. I love your…ass? I don’t know, it sounded better the first time.”
    The worst is when the girl says something that makes me realize she’s totally not paying attention. We’re going at it, I’ve got my iTunes hook-up playlist rocking, everything’s great, and I whisper, “Does that feel good?” And she’s like, “Oh my God…I love this song.” Really? Well then go fuck John Legend!
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    OBSERVATION
     
    Ever notice that when you’re hooking up and the other person says, “Oh right there,” or “Just like that,” you immediately forget what the hell you were doing and totally