I'm Having More Fun Than You by Aaron Karo Page B

fuck it up? I think to myself, “Wait, what was I doing? Was it like this? I lost my rhythm now. What was my cadence again?”
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    When I’m hooking up with a particular girl for the first time, I love the pillow talk chess match that goes on. If she says, “Karo, I’ve actually never gone down on a guy before,” I’ll call her bluff and respond reassuringly, “It’s OK. I’ll teach you.” If she says, “Karo, I just got out of a serious relationship,” “I’ll reply, “It’s OK. I’ll be your rebound guy.” If the girl is really into it, and she begs, “Karo, you can do anything you want to me,” I’ll always pause, consider the request, and then ask, “Anal?” To which the inevitable response is, “Anything but that.”
    I’m convinced that twice as many girls have experimented with anal sex as actually admit it. The scenario is always the same: you were with your boyfriend, he kept begging you, you had a little too much wine and, well, it was his birthday. Then he stuck it in a quarter of an inch, it was excruciatingly painful, and you vowed never to do it again. Hey, can’t blame you for trying.
    The ultimate form of dirty talk is, of course, phone sex. It can get confusing, however, especially when practicing safe sex with a girl in real life, and then occasionally having phone sex with her to boot. The girl will say on the phone, “Karo, I want you to fuck me right here and right now.” And I’ll lean into the phone and whisper, “I’m kissing your neck, I’m stroking the inside of your thigh…and now I’m running across the street to buy condoms at the gas station.”
    GETTING A HEAD
     
    At times, being a single guy feels like a grind. We have to work so hard to hook up. Which is why it’s disheartening that fellatio is more commonly known as “giving head.” This implies that a blow job is a gift that any guy should be appreciative of ever receiving. Sadly, it’s true: we have very little say in the matter. But that doesn’t dissuade us from pursuing BJs with unparalleled intensity.
    Many people believe that fellatio is a more intimate act than sex. I don’t disagree. After all, a girl can tell if she really likes a guy by the way she feels when she’s around him, or if she gets goose bumps when he kisses her. I know that I really have feelings for a girl when I feel bad that she’s blowing me. As I’ve already made clear, my boys are well-groomed and immaculate. But any guy who spends hours in a hot, crowded bar and then goes home to hook up has the equivalent of five jeans manufacturing plants in his boxers—that’s how much of a sweatshop it is down there.
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    GLOSSARY
     
    THE FRIGHTENED PELICAN
     
    Ladies, I have a request: spit or swallow, but choose one. Sometimes I’ll be getting head and, as I’m coming to fruition, the girl will hesitate, call an audible, get some in her mouth, and have no idea what to do with it. She then proceeds to stagger wide-eyed across the room, chin out, arms flailing wildly, searching for a place to spit. This, my friends, is called the frightened pelican.
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    Giving and receiving head has its share of awkward moments. Like when you randomly make eye contact with the girl while she’s in the act. She always has that deer-in-headlights look on her face. And there’s nothing more uncomfortable than never-ending head. Whether it’s because I’m drunk or she’s using teeth, blow jobs really only have an enjoyable shelf life of about ten minutes max. After that, there’s just something disconcerting about a girl sighing while my penis is in her mouth.
    Luckily, when the going is slow, guys have an easily accessible erogenous zone: our balls. Girls should learn to caress and befriend them. Experienced women will pay more attention there than anywhere else. Believe me, it definitely speeds up the process. Just don’t be too enthusiastic. A buddy of mine once told me he took home a girl from a bar and got head so