Laughing Gas by P. G. Wodehouse Page B

the Scotch, decided that it wasn't, and tottered off over the horizon to get his bracer elsewhere. And I, having given the Cooley kid another quarter of an hour to turn up, pushed off myself. And presently, after an easy climb on to the outhouse roof, I was back in the bedroom once more, feeling hollower than ever.
    Only just in time, as it turned out, for scarcely had I sat down on the bed when a key turned in the lock and there was Miss Brinkmeyer.
    'Have you had your sleep?' she asked.
    The way this woman harped on sleep annoyed me.
    'No,' I said. 'I haven't.'
    'Why not?'
    'I was too hungry.'
    'Well, my goodness, if you were hungry, why didn't you ring the bell? I'll send you up your supper.'
    She withdrew, and after a bit a footman of sorts appeared - a Filipino, apparently, by the look of him. And conceive my emotion when I observed that on the tray which he carried there was nothing but a few dry biscuits, a glass of milk, and a saucerful of foul prunes.
    Well, I tried to reason with the man, pointing out the merits of chump chops and steak puddings, but all he would say was 'Excuse, yes', and 'Very good, hullo', and 'No, perhaps, also', and a lot of rot like that, so eventually
    I dismissed him with a weary gesture. I then cleaned up the contents of the tray and sank into a reverie.
    The shades of evening fell. And after they had been falling for quite some little while I heard footsteps coming along the corridor. A moment later the door opened and Ann Bannister came in.

    Chapter 10
    A nn was looking marvellous. The sight of her cheerful face, to one who when the door began to open had been expecting to see the Brinkmeyer, was like manna in the wilderness. It warmed the cockles of the heart, and I don't mind telling you that they were in need of a spot of warming. Those prunes had tested me sorely.
    She smiled at me like one old pal at another.
    'Well, Joseph,' she said. 'How are you feeling?'
    'Extremely hollow,' I replied.
    'But otherwise all right?'
    'Oh, quite.'
    'No pain where the little toofy-peg used to be?' 'Not a bit, thanks.'
    'That's good. Well, sir, you had a great send-off.' 'Eh?'
    'All those newspaper boys and girls.' 'Oh, yes.'
    'By the way, I gave them the stuff they wanted. It was your press agent's job, really, but he was down fussing over those Michigan Mothers, so I took it upon myself to step into the breach before they tore you asunder. I told them they might quote you as saying that the President had your full support. Was that right?'
    'Oh, quite.'
    'Good. I wasn't sure how you stood politically. And then they wanted to know what your views were on the future of the screen, and I said you wished to go on record a^ stating that in your opinion the future of the screen was safe in the hands of men like T. P. Brinkmeyer. It struck me that it wouldn't hurt, giving old B. a boost. You like him, and it will please Miss Brinkmeyer - who, if you recall, has not been any too friendly since you put the Mexican horned toad in her bed.'
    'What!'
    'How do you mean - what?'
    'I didn't put a Me xican horned toad in Miss Brink meyer's bed, did I?'
    'Surely you haven't forgotten that? Of course you did, and very amusing it all was, though Miss Brinkmeyer, perhaps, did not laugh as heartily as some.'
    I chewed the lip quite a bit. You wouldn't be far out in saying that I was appalled. I could see that in assuming the identity of this blasted child I had walked into quite a spot. If ever there was a child with a past, he was it, and I didn't wonder that he was a shade unpopular in certain quarters. The thing that astonished me was how he had managed to escape unscathed all this time.
    I had had no notion that this apparently peaceful home was, in reality, such a maelstrom of warring passions. The bally kid was plainly a regular Public Enemy, and I was not surprised that when Miss Brinkmeyer grabbed my wrist and pulled she did it with the air of one who wished it was my neck. I don't say I felt exactly in sympathy