Lost for Words by Alice Kuipers

lightly kissed my cheek, and I could smell beer really strongly. He pulled back and tried to look at me. His eyes were red and fuzzy from drinking, but he was still really cute.
    He said, “I’m glad you’re here.”
    I nodded, my heart skipping, and introduced him to Rosa-Leigh. Rosa-Leigh said a quick hello then led me through into the kitchen. It smelled of sticky punch and of sweat. She leaned against a laminate counter filled with bottles, and pulled a he’s-the-guy? face.
    “What?”
    “He’s drunk. Really drunk.”
    “I like him.” I realized as I said it that I really like him.
    Abigail came into the kitchen and saw us. She went straight back out and then came in again with Dan, her arm through his. She flicked her frizzy hair, pouting up at him, and COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. While shestarted pouring drinks for the two of them, he stumbled over. “How’ve you been?” he asked.
    “Um, okay,” I said. I’m so pathetic.
    He smiled and my silly heart flopped about like a fish out of water. He tried to say something, but he got lost in his words because he was a bit too drunk. And then, I SWEAR, Abigail squeezed between us even though he was trying to talk to me, pushed herself up against him and started kissing him RIGHT THERE.
    Dan raised his eyebrows like he was shocked, but it didn’t stop him kissing her back. A jealous ache went right through me; I wanted so badly for him to kiss me like that. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I wanted to burst into tears, or pull her off, or say something, but I didn’t do anything. Rosa-Leigh had her hand pressed against her mouth and I could tell she was going to die from horror if we didn’t get out of there. She seemed to realize that kiss was like a knife in my back, so she pulled me into the living room.
    I said, “I can’t believe Abi just did that.”
    She said, “I can’t believe Dan did. Let’s get out of here.”
    We were going to leave, but Zara called me over and said she thought my top was adorable, trying to be nice, I guess. Then Abi came in smirking and pulled Zara off to one side. By then there were loads of people in the house.
    Rosa-Leigh came over and whispered in my ear, “I’ve got a better idea. Really, let’s go.”
    Out in the cool night the sky was crisp. We could see our warm breath, cloudy in the orange glow of the streetlights. I could hear the hum of traffic, the wailing of a faraway police car.
    “What’s your idea? Where do you want to go?” I asked.
    “We’ll catch the tube to Camden. I know this place.”
    My heart stopped. I didn’t say anything.
    “What?” she said.
    “I can’t get on a train, Rosa-Leigh.”
    She looked at me, and even though it was dark, I could see this light in her eyes. She knew . Someone must have told her. She said, “Sure you can,” kind of slow.
    I took a deep breath. I said, “I can’t.”
    She waited.
    “I just can’t.”
    Rosa-Leigh said, “Let’s do something else instead.”
    “I want to go home.” I sounded like a whiny child, but I knew if I waited in the road another minute, I’d throw up. Suddenly my heart was beating madly and the cold was freezing the edges of my brain. I started hyperventilating.
    She said, “Take a deep breath. You’re all right. Just breathe.” I could hear she was scared: her voice was higher than usual, tight. I sat on the curb and tears streamed down my face.
    I said, “I’m dying,” but it came out like a whisper.
    She sat on the ground next to me and gave me a hug. And then she waited until I said I felt better. We got a cab to her house, where I stayed over.
    SUNDAY, MARCH 26 TH
    When I got back from Rosa-Leigh’s this morning, I clambered onto the roof. It was sunny and quite warm, so I curled up with a cup of tea and Fluffy, who deigned to sit next to me.
    I remembered Mum, Emily, and me shopping together once in Soho. I must have been eight or nine. Mum walked ahead in shopping mode. Emily and I trailed behind, annoyed at