Love Virtually by Daniel Glattauer Page B

the innocent one, Leo! What a shy romantic you are! Why can’t you just admit that keeping your virtual finger pressed on my virtual doorbell at 10 o’clock at night had nothing to do with childhood photos. (Maybe you’ve got a nice stamp collection, too? In which case I’d have been over like a shot . . .)
    Three minutes later
    Re:
    Dear Emmi,
    Don’t ever talk about men in general when you’re referring to ME—it’s a demeaning tactic, and often meant spitefully. You can’t lump me together with everyone else—I’m too much of an individual—and you shouldn’t use the example of other men to infer things about me. It’s just such an insult!
    Eighteen minutes later
    Re:
    O.K., O.K., I’m sorry! But look how you’ve just cunningly dodged explaining your real motive for wanting to see me so urgently in the middle of the night. In your hungover infatuation and need to get laid, Leo, there’s no disgrace in trying to pull the old blindfold trick with Emmi, whom you don’t even know (although apparently she’s not so bad looking). In fact I’m extremely flattered, and you haven’t sunk so much as a millimeter in my estimations. It’s 1:30 in the morning by the way, time I thought about going to bed. Thanks again for your thrilling offer. Very daring of you. I like it when you’re spontaneous. And I also like it when you drunkenly shower me with kisses. Night-night, Leo, with a kiss from me too.
    Five minutes later
    Re:
    I wouldn’t try to pull a fast one on anyone, ever.
    Good night.
    Twelve minutes later
    Re:
    Just two more things, Leo. I can’t sleep anyway. If I really had come over to your place, you don’t actually think I’d have made you pay for the taxi, do you?
    And if I really had come over to your place, which of the three Emmis on your sister’s list would you have wanted? Bubbly Ur-Emmi? Busty Blond-Emmi? Or shy Surprise-Emmi? Because I’m sure you already know that your Fantasy-Emmi would have disappeared for good the moment we met.
    One day later
    Subject: I.T. issues?
    Leo? Your turn!
    Three days later
    Subject: Break in correspondence
    Emmi,
    I’m just writing to let you know that it’s not that I’m stopping our correspondence for good. The moment I know WHAT to write, I’ll write it. I’m in the process of assembling the schizophrenic fragments I’ve been broken up into over the past few days. I’ll write just as soon as I’ve put all the pieces back together again.
    You haunt me constantly, Emmi. I miss you. I’m longing for you. I read your emails over and over again, every day.
    Yours,
    Leo
    Four days later
    Subject: Confession
    Hello Mr. Leike,
    Do you have a guilty conscience? Have you got a confession to make? Is there something I should know? If so, I think I know what that thing is. I’ve found something dreadful in my in-box. Do you know what I’m talking about? Feel free to unburden yourself!!!
    Best wishes,
    Emmi Rothner
    Three and a half hours later
    Re: Confession
    What’s wrong with you, Emmi? What’s that cryptic email supposed to mean? Are you concocting some sort of conspiracy theory? Whatever it is, I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. What dreadful thing did you find your in-box? Please be a bit clearer! And don’t be so damned formal just because you’re suspicious!
    Love,
    Leo
    Half an hour later
    Re: Confession
    Oh most esteemed language psychologist, if it turns out that my suspicions are well founded, I’ll detest you for the rest of my life! You’d better come out with it right now.
    Twenty-five minutes later
    Re: Confession
    Whatever it is that’s put you in this mood, dear Emmi, your language scares me. I don’t want to be a victim of your speculative blind hatred, based as it is on confused thoughts and ludicrous associations in a brain eaten away by mistrust. Either give it to