Love...Under Different Skies by Nick Spalding

Mum. Please stop scowling like that.
    I don’t like this any more than you do, but did I explain the mosquitoes, noisy wildlife, and oven-like temperatures?
    Grant and Ellie both look disappointed, but there’s a definite note of sympathy in their expressions as well, suggesting that our ruse is working.
    “Well, I guess you’ve got no choice, then,” Ellie says. “We don’t want the poor little thing suffering, do we?”
    “Nope!” Jamie says, with an unnecessary level of happiness.
    Grant snaps his fingers. “I’ve got it!”
    “Got what?” Jamie asks.
    “You guys can have our room!”
    “What?”
    “What?”
    “Yeah…our room looks out onto the side garden. The bears never go past us there, no trees to get to. Little Pops will be fine. The room’s a little warmer than yours, but she’ll be right.”
    A little warmer ?
    Seriously, are these people lizards?
    We’re trapped.
    No way out.
    Our excuse hasn’t worked—and if anything, we’re now even worse off as we have to sleep in a bed that Grant and Ellie have probably had hippy sex in, and in a room that will be even hotter at night.
    “That’s very kind of you!” I say too loudly. “Isn’t that right, Jamie?” I add through newly gritted teeth.
    “Yes,” he says, his head dropping to his chest. “Yes it is.”
    “Great! That’s all settled, then!” Grant moves to get up.
    “Laura can’t poo,” Jamie blurts out.
    “What?”
    “What?”
    “ What? ”
    “She can’t poo. Didn’t want to say anything…obviously very embarrassing for her. That’s the other reason why we need to leave.”
    “I can’t poo ?” I spit at him.
    I can’t believe he’s doing this.
    I can’t believe he’s humiliating me like this.
    I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first and say it was him .
    “Yes honey. I’m sorry to bring it up, but we should be honest with these guys, don’t you think?”
    My nails dig into the back of the chair I’m standing next to. “Not really Jamie, no. That’s not what I’m thinking right now .”
    Jamie does his best to ignore the danger signs and swiftly looks back at Grant and Ellie. “It’s a nervous thing. She can’t go to the toilet in other people’s houses. The poor thing is more backed up than the M25 at rush hour.” He gives me a pleading look. “Isn’t that right, baby?”
    I’m now bright red in a combination of gut-wrenching embarrassment and a rage so unholy it should be confined to the pages of the Old Testament. “Yes, that’s right,” I say in a strangled voice. “I don’t seem to be able to go properly. Not at all.”
    Grant and Ellie both look like I’ve just pulled down my shorts and bent over to prove my point.
    “Well…that must be quite uncomfortable for you,” Ellie says slowly.
    “It is!” Jamie jumps in. “That’s why we’d like to move back to Brisbane, so Laura can have a proper shit.”
    Oh my God.
    There will be nowhere for him to hide. He could have a week’s head start, $10,000 and access to a plastic surgeon in Kiev, and I will still track the bastard down and make him pay for this.
    “Okay,” Grant says. “I guess we’d better help you pack up your things, then.” He fixes me with a sympathetic gaze. “Would you like me to make up some of my home remedy, Laura? It might help you get things moving again.”
    I shake my head vociferously. The last thing I need right now is Grant trying to shove liquidised frog up my bum.
    And so, some twenty minutes later I am sitting in the driver’s seat of the Mitsubishi Magna, wringing the life out of the steering wheel with whitened knuckles. Jamie is collecting the last of our things and saying a final farewell to Grant and Ellie.
    One swift phone call has booked us back into the Brisbane Metro and a short drive west is now the only thing between us and the joys of a comfortable king-size bed and climate control. But first there will be suffering, the most suffering a man can endure while sitting in the