Luck of the Bodkins by P. G. Wodehouse Page B

situations in which ‘ Eh?' is the only possible remark.
    'I don't understand how you could have brought yourself to do such a thing, sir.'
    'Such a thing as what?'
    The steward made a rather dignified gesture, spoiling it at the last moment by scratching his left ear. ‘ I fear you may think it a liberty, me talking like this –‘
    ‘ No, no.'
    ‘ Yes, sir,' insisted Albert Peasemarch, once more scratching his ear, which appeared to be irritating him. 'And technically it is a liberty. Until the ship docks in New York harbour our relations are those of master and man. In my dealings with any of the blokes in my sheds - any of the gentlemen who occupy the state-rooms under my charge, I always say to myself that for the duration of the voyage I am a vassal and he is - temporarily - my feudal overlord.'
    'Golly! ' said Monty, impressed. 'That's rather well put. ’
    ‘ Thank you, sir.'
    ‘ Dashed well put, if you don't mind my saying so. ’
    'I had a good schooling, sir.'
    ‘ You weren't at Eton, by any chance?'
    ‘ No, sir.'
    "Well, anyway, it was dashed well put. But I'm interrupting you.'
    'Not at all, sir. I was merely saying that, our positions being those of feudal overlord and vassal, I shouldn't by rights be speaking to you like this. By rights I ought to just go to Jimmy the One -'
    ‘ To-?'
    The chief steward, sir. The proper thing by rights would be to just go to the chief steward and report the matter and leave him to deal with it. But I don't want to cause unpleasantness and get a young gentleman like you into trouble - ’ ‘ Eh? ’
    ‘ - because I know very well that it was due to high spirits and nothing more. So I do hope you will not take offence, sir, where none is meant, when I say that you ought not to do that sort of thing. I am old enough to be your father ...'
    Monty had been feeling that the essential thing to do was to institute a probing system of inquiry with a view to inducing this mystic steward to come out into the open and explain what on earth he was talking about. But this statement sidetracked him.
    ' Old enough to be my father?' he said, surprised. "How old are you?' ‘F orty-six, sir.'
    Well, dash it, then you couldn't be. I'm twenty-eight.' ‘ You look younger, sir.'
    'It isn't a question of what I look. It's what I am. I'm twenty-eight. You'd have had to have married at - seventeen,' said Monty, relaxing the strained frown on his face and ceasing to twiddle his fingers.
    'Men have got married at seventeen, sir. ’
    'Name one.'
    'Ginger Perkins - redheaded feller in the stevedoring business down Fratton way,' said Albert Peasemarch rather surprisingly. 'So, you see, I was right when I said I could have been your father.'
    'But you aren't.'
    ‘ No, sir ’
    We aren't related at all, so far as I know.' ‘ No, sir.'
    ‘ Well, carry on, ’ said Monty, 'but I may as well tell you frankly that you're making my head swim. You were saying something about something I ought not to have done.'
    ‘ Yes, sir. And I say it again. You ought not to have done it.'
    ·Done what?'
    'Young blood may be young blood - ’ 'I don't see what else it could be.'
    'But that doesn't excuse it, to my mind. Youth!' said Albert Peasemarch. 'It's the old, old story. See jew-ness saway.' 'What are you babbling about?'
    'I am not babbling, sir. I am alluding to the bathroom.'
    The bathroom?'
    What's in the bathroom, sir.'
    ‘ You mean my sponge-bag?'
    'No, sir. I do not mean your sponge-bag. I mean what's on the wall.' 'My strop?'
    'You know very well what I'm referring to, sir. All that writing in red paint. A lot of trouble and extra work that's going to cause, cleaning of it off, but I reckon you didn't think of that. Heedless, that's what youth is. Heedless. Never looks to the morrow.'
    Monty was staring, bewildered. But for the fact that his articulation was so beautifully clear and his words so finely chosen - that 'see jew-ness saway' gag - good stuff there - he would have said that this steward