Men Who Love Men by William J. Mann

white. And now they’re getting married.

    “Your entire life,” Lloyd says, sitting down at the table opposite me. “That’s a lot of territory.”

    “Not really,” I tell him, holding my hands against the sides of the hot cup. “My life is pretty small, in fact. There’s the guesthouse, you, Jeff, Ann Marie, J. R., visits to my parents a few times a year…that about sums up my life.”

    “Oh, we’re reducing Henry Weiner to exteriors again, are we?”

    I manage a small smile. “I just mean…”

    “You mean, you’re lonely.”

    How is it that Lloyd knows so much? How is it that in just one phrase he can sum it all up for me? Yes, I’m lonely. And I’m tired of it. Way past tired of it.

    “I got asked out today,” I tell him. “And I just started thinking about things.”

    “About Joey.”

    I smile, more easily this time. “Yeah, he was one of those things.”

    “Who asked you out?”

    “This guy I’ve seen at the gym. Do you know him? A real cute, humpy little guy named Gale?”

    “Oh, yes,” Lloyd says, nodding. “ Very cute. I’ve met him, but don’t really know him.”

    “Well, anyway, I saw him at Mojo’s and—” I decide against telling him the exact situation that prompted our meeting. I’m not sure if Lloyd knows that Jeff tricked with Luke. “And he asked me out to dinner tomorrow night.” I make a face and finally take a sip of my tea. “Actually, tonight.”

    “Good for you,” Lloyd says.

    I find his soft green eyes. Is there any jealousy there? Any hint of a pang? Any suggestion that somewhere, deep down, Lloyd might wish things had turned out differently, that he was marrying me instead of Jeff?

    No. I see nothing there. I can’t even pretend I do.

    “Henry,” Lloyd says, “I’ve said it before and it bears saying again. The universe has a plan for you. You’ve just got to trust.”

    “Oh, I trust the universe just fine,” I tell him. “I just happen to think its plan for me is to be alone, and I think it sucks.”

    Lloyd laughs. “I don’t think that’s the plan for you.”

    “How do you know? Come on, Lloyd. I’m thirty-fucking- three .”

    “Good God,” he says. “Decrepit.”

    “And I’ve never had a boyfriend last past the one-year mark. Meanwhile, I’ve been hung up on Joey for longer than we were even together !”

    “That’s because your ego was wounded, Henry. He left you. It fits into your core belief that you aren’t worthy of being loved.”

    It’s Lloyd’s psychology background coming out. There’s truth to his analysis, I’m sure, but it still sucks. It’s not like I can rationalize my way out of feeling bad about being dumped.

    “If you truly believe you aren’t good enough to be loved,” Lloyd’s telling me, “then you’ll always fail at relationships. If you can change that deeply held belief—”

    “I know, I know. I should get back into therapy.”

    Lloyd shrugs. “Couldn’t hurt.”

    “Or maybe I should just drive out to West Springfield next weekend and tell Mom and Dad ‘fuck you’ for screwing up my sense of self-worth.”

    “I’d try therapy first,” Lloyd says, smirking.

    “Do you know my parents were married at twenty? Both of them the same age. I can’t say it’s been a happy marriage, but it’s lasted. Forty-one years, in fact.” I take another sip of tea. If this stuff is supposed to be making me sleepy, it’s doing a very poor job of it. “But it’s easier for straight people. You get married, you have kids, you accept what comes. Gay people are always on the lookout for the next best thing.”

    “That won’t be so easy to do now that we can get married, too,” Lloyd reminds me.

    I scoff. “What would it matter to you guys? You’re nonmonogamous. You can have your wedding cake and still eat all the boys you want to.”

    Lloyd says nothing, just drops his eyes to the table. He begins fidgeting with the tea bags in the basket. “The point is, Henry,” he