Monkeys Wearing Pants by Jon Waldrep

A Weighty
Notion
    I write a lot about
weight, mostly because I have an abundance of it to write about.
While I don’t need to buy airplane seats two at a time (or even use
the dreaded seat belt extender), the little tray on the plane can
leave an indentation in my stomach that lasts for two days. In any
case I understand the yo-yo weight gain and loss that comes with
trying a never ending variety of diets.
    I want to lose weight. I want to do it my
way, the right way, like if I’m in a prolonged coma or lose a limb
at lumberjack fantasy camp.
    OK, when your 'fat' clothes start getting
snug, you know you have a problem. Getting dressed this morning was
like trying to squeeze an eggplant into a condom.
    Signs that you need to lose weight:
    1. You need an oxygen tank nearby after you
put on your socks.
    2. You're willing to risk dislocating your
shoulder for that French fry that fell under your seat in your
car.
    3. Little kids point at you and say, “Look,
Mommy! Bounce house!”
    4. Your bathroom scale flashes 'FU' when you
climb on it.
    5. You are looking at the 'People of
Wal-Mart' website and see a butt crack that looks very, very
familiar.
    6. They give you four sets of plastic
utensils with a takeout order that's only for you.
    7. You finish off that large pizza while
sitting on the toilet.
    8. The only way you can keep your shirt
tucked into the front is to super glue the bottom to your pubic
hair.
    9. You see a $5 bill on the ground and debate
whether it's worth bending over to pick it up.
    10. They make you sign a waiver at the
all-you-can-eat buffet.
    Twinkies are back, thank God. There just
aren’t enough high calorie snacks made from cellulose gum, Sodium
stearate and calcium sulfate. And where else can you get a creamy
filling made of shortening and Polysorbate 60? Yummers!!
    A friend has convinced me to try this lemon
juice detox regimen. It calls for drinking a mixture of water,
lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. You drink it for ten
days...or until your ass falls off. I’m going to try it, but I
think I am going to substitute beer for the water, lemon drops for
the lemon juice, spicy chicken wings for the cayenne pepper and
maple bars for the syrup. Wish me luck!
    Pick up lines for fat guys:
    1. In case you were wondering, yes, I'm jolly
as Hell.
    2. If you want, we can go do laundry
together. I have a whole roll of quarters where my belly button
used to be.
    3. No promises, but after rolling around with
me, most women say their cellulite flattens out nicely.
    4. Just close your eyes and pretend you're
doing it with two moderately stocky guys.
    5. I'm not saying I'm desperate. Oh hell, yes
I am.
    6. Think! Doing it with a fat guy has to be
somewhere on your bucket list!
    7. My new bumper sticker says, “Honk if
you're Homely.”
    8. Don't think of me as a fat guy; think of
me as your own personal bounce house.
    9. I want to get hot and sweaty. I would just
rather get that way with another person in the same room.
    10. Yeah? Well, I may be fat and you may be
beautiful, but you'll be ugly when you're old and I'll be dead. So,
ha!
    Is it large, all-meat pizza a cold,
24-hour-buffet a fever or the other way around?
    Going to the gym is not for everyone. I say
if you really hate the gym, don't go. Not going is better than
driving mind-numbing circles around the parking lot until the
parking space right next to the entrance opens up. If you spend an
hour watching TV from a treadmill going so slowly it makes the
revolving restaurant at the top of the Seattle Space Needle seem
like a demonic roller coaster ride, then you really shouldn't
bother going to the gym at all.
    I'm trying to lose some weight but you know
what they say, the last 87 pounds are the hardest.
    Five things that are going to happen if I
don’t start losing weight:
    1. People are going to start calling me
saying, “Dude! I just saw you on Google Earth!”
    2. The lights will mysteriously go out, and
the front door will lock when I pull