Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan by R. A. Spratt Page B

Derby.’
    Nanny Piggins gasped.
    ‘What’s a Demolition Derby?’ asked Michael.
    ‘It’s where ten cars drive into an arena and only one car leaves. They ram and smash each other into oblivion,’ explained Nanny Piggins.
    ‘And with this car I will be unstoppable,’ declared Jane.
    Nanny Piggins glared at Jane through squinted eyes as though only seeing her for the first time. ‘I only know of one woman who would marry a man just for his car.’
    ‘Who?’ asked Boris.
    ‘Charlotte Piggins, my twin sister!’ declaredNanny Piggins, whipping the horned rimmed spectacles off Jane Doeadear’s face.
    The children gasped. Boris fainted. They were looking at an exact replica of Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I knew you looked familiar!’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘So this is another one of your identical fourteentuplet sisters?’ asked Derrick.
    ‘It is indeed,’ confirmed Nanny Piggins. ‘This isn’t the first time she’s done this either. How many men have you married for their cars now?’
    ‘This will be my eleventh,’ admitted Jane (Charlotte Piggins). ‘I always make sure they put “to love, honour and give me a copy of their car keys” into the wedding vows.’
    ‘You’re practically an evil genius,’ conceded Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Thank you,’ said Charlotte Piggins (Jane).
    ‘Father is going to be so upset when he finds out he’s marrying a pig,’ said Samantha.
    ‘He’ll never notice,’ said Charlotte. ‘Men are so unobservant.’
    ‘But there’s no reason to marry him at all,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘There isn’t?’ asked Charlotte Piggins.
    ‘I can give you a key to the car,’ said NannyPiggins. ‘I have my own.’ She took a key to the Rolls Royce out of her pocket and showed it to her identical twin sister.
    ‘You mean I cleaned his oven for nothing?!’ exclaimed Charlotte. ‘You had a key the whole time?’
    ‘You only had to ask,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘That’s fantastic!’ exclaimed Charlotte, snatching up the keys, ‘Because there’s a bachelor in the next town with a Morris Minor I’ve had my eye on.’
    So Nanny Piggins allowed her sister to drive off at top speed without biting her on the leg, on the condition that she promised never, ever to try marrying Mr Green again.
    Mr Green was naturally devastated. Partly because he lost his fiancée/nanny/domestic slave. But mainly because he lost his poo-brown Rolls Royce, which was not insured, because Mr Green was too cheap to pay for insurance.
    Nanny Piggins eventually took pity on him because she got tired of listening to him sobbing in his room. She found another Rolls Royce going for a bargain price (the same colourblind employee who accidentally painted Mr Green’s first Rolls Royce poo-brown also painted another Rolls Roycevomit-yellow). So Mr Green was happy again. As happy as a miser who has just been forced to buy a new car could be. But more importantly, the children were happy, because they got to keep their beloved nanny and stay motherless, at least for the time being.

Nanny Piggins and Michael sat in the doctor’s waiting room. Michael was not sick. He simply had a bucket stuck on his head. It was a red plastic bucket. The type you take to the beach and use to build sandcastles. It came to be stuck on Michael’s head partly because it was so red and tempting, and partly because Nanny Piggins had bet him he could not fit it on there. And being an enthusiastic boywho liked a challenge, Michael won the bet. Which is how he came to be in need of medical attention.
    ‘Can you breathe all right, Michael?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Yes, so long as I don’t eat anything because I can only breathe through my mouth,’ said Michael. Both his nostrils were entirely sealed because his nose was pressed hard against the inside of the plastic bucket.
    ‘What about angel cake? It’s very light and airy,’ suggested Nanny Piggins.
    ‘That would probably be all right,’ conceded Michael.
    Nanny Piggins rummaged around