Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan by R. A. Spratt

Derrick.
    ‘Are you sure you want to?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘What?!’ exclaimed all three Green children. ‘Of course we want to get rid of her.’
    ‘But you haven’t got to know her yet. And she has done a lovely job of cleaning the oven, sweeping the patio and disinfecting the tupperware. Wouldn’t youlike to have a new mother?’ asked Nanny Piggins
    The Green children had to think about this for a moment.
    ‘I still like our old mother,’ said Michael, sniffing.
    The three Green children thought about their own mother, who actually used to talk to them, bake them cakes and kiss them goodnight when she tucked them in. Their eyes became wet and itchy.
    ‘I know no-one can replace your own mother,’ said Nanny Piggins, ‘but this woman might grow on you.’
    They watched as she polished the silver teapot so hard the sun glinted off it and blinded them.
    ‘I doubt it,’ said Samantha.
    ‘There’s something else …’ Derrick struggled to put his finger on what it was that was wrong with Jane Doeadear.
    ‘Clean!’ said Michael. ‘She’s just too clean.’
    And Nanny Piggins had to admit that Jane had done a thorough job of committing genocide on the bacteria population of the Green house.
    Sadly Mr Green did not share his children’s concerns. He loved being able to see his face in the side of the kettle, the top of his shoes and the bathroom mirror. He was delighted with the hygieneimprovements Jane had made in a few short days.
    Jane Doeadear had only been staying in the house for one week when, at breakfast, Mr Green cleared his throat and said, ‘I have an announcement to make.’ He looked about and smiled at his children, which only made them fear the worst. He had not smiled at them since he had announced he would stop giving them pocket money (on the morning after their mother died). Mr Green cleared his throat again for dramatic effect. ‘I have asked Jane to marry me.’
    ‘And what did Jane say?’ asked Nanny Piggins, barely able to conceal her astonishment.
    ‘Yes,’ said Jane, before returning her attention to her sausage and eggs.
    ‘We’re getting married on Saturday,’ said Mr Green. ‘I’m taking the morning off work for the ceremony,’ he added, smiling fondly at his fiancée, who was ignoring him. Just what he wanted in a wife.
    The children were too astonished to speak. Mr Green stood up to leave. ‘So er, Miss Piggins –’ It was always a bad sign when he stopped calling Nanny Piggins, nanny – ‘we won’t be needing your services anymore. I’m giving you two weeks’ notice.’
    Michael lunged at his father. He would have strangled him too, if the serving dish Samanthathrew at Mr Green had not hit Michael in the head instead. Derrick had gone for a more pacifistic approach. He had merely barred the door and yelled, ‘Noooo, we won’t let you!’
    But Mr Green did not hear his son, he was too blissfully in love with his own cleverness. Marrying a woman was going to cost practically nothing, whereas paying Nanny Piggins cost slightly more than nothing.
    ‘I have to go to work. Darling –’ Mr Green said, turning to Jane, ‘could you take my car into the garage for me. The engine is making a funny noise.’
    ‘Certainly, darling,’ said Jane. ‘But there’s no need to pay a mechanic. I can take a look at it. I know a thing or two about motor cars.’
    ‘A fiancée who cleans and does automotive repairs!’ gushed Mr Green, as he imagined the fortune he was going to save on getting his car serviced. ‘I am such a clever … I mean, lucky, man.’
    Mr Green handed his fiancée the keys to the car, and left.
    Nanny Piggins and the children turned their attention to Jane. She was still calmly eating her breakfast.
    ‘Do you have a history of mental illness in your family?’ enquired Nanny Piggins.
    ‘You can’t honestly want to marry Father!’ said Derrick.
    ‘I’ll give you my teddy bear if you just go away,’ said Michael.
    Jane finished her