Off Limits by Lindsay McKenna Page A

terrible weight and pain he had borne since the incident. Instinctively, she knew it was the first time he’d admitted his atrocity out loud—probably the first time he’d cried for Kim or himself.
    â€œWhat happened next?” Alex asked, sensing that talking about it would eventually help Jim.
    He shrugged. “All hell broke loose. Lieutenant Breckenridge got the drop on Duc’s men from another angle and our team killed five VC. Duc faded into the jungle. When the shooting started, I reacted automatically and took cover. Lieutenant Breckenridge found me later, and I was in shock. He knew it. He said he was sorry. All around us villagers were shrieking and crying. I was lying curled up on the ground—I remember getting up and finding Kim’s ma. She was weeping and screaming. I—I tried to tell her I was sorry, but what could I say? Words were useless for what I was feeling, for how Kim’s ma was feeling.
    â€œThe lieutenant said we had to get out of there. With Duc in the vicinity, we were only putting those brave people at further risk, so we left. I remember running late that night, with Duc’s forces after us. That’s when I fell into this tunnel and busted up my leg. When I woke up, I was real clear about one thing—I’d never fire a rifle again. I was done with killing. I had a lot of time alone to think, to feel. Kim was an innocent victim. I murdered her to save my own skin. And for what? I see her in my dreams. I relive it night after night. Why did I save myself? If I had it to do over again, I’d have run, I wouldn’t have killed her. Better to be drilled by a VC bullet than to hurt Kim.”
    Alex shook her head and gripped his damp shirt. “No, listen to me, Jim. Kim was going to die anyway. Don’t you realize that? I’m not an expert on grenades, but if the pin was pulled, that grenade was going to explode.”
    Jim forced himself to look at Alex. Her lovely gray eyes were shimmering with tears. How badly he wanted to take her into his arms, to hold her. Just her proximity took away some of the torturous agony he lived with. “That’s not the point,” he said, his voice gravelly. “I chose to pull the trigger and murder her.”
    â€œNo!” Alex tensed, afraid her raised voice might alert VC to their hiding place. “No!” she cried again softly. “Kim was going to die, Jim. Who’s to say you didn’t give her a less painful death? A quicker one? The grenade might have mutilated but not killed her. She could have lingered on the edge of death for days, limbs lost to the explosion. Haven’t you looked at other possibilities?”
    Morosely, he shook his head. “You don’t understand, Alex—I shot Kim. I cold-bloodedly decided to take her life to save mine.”
    Her heart aching, Alex stared at him in the gloom. “Then you’re really not a deserter or a coward,” she said. “You let me think that.”
    Jim couldn’t meet her eyes, afraid of seeing censure or revulsion over what he’d done. “I—I didn’t have the guts to tell you the truth....”
    With a small cry, Alex touched his grim face, feeling the prickles of his beard rough against her palm. “Jim, you did what you had to do to survive.”
    He glanced at her. “Would you have shot Kim?”
    Wincing, Alex hung her head. “That’s not a fair question. I refused to learn to shoot a rifle. I can’t conceive of shooting anything.”
    Rubbing at his left leg, its dull ache always present, almost reassuring, Jim said, “I turned into a killer.”
    â€œYou defended yourself the best you could under awful circumstances.”
    â€œI can’t go back to the marines, Alex. I can’t change what happened, but I can change the present—and my future,” he muttered. “I decided not to take sides in this war. I’ll scrounge off the land