Officer Spence Makes No Sense by Dan Gutman Page A

kid.
    That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Our school security guard, Officer Spence, came running over really fast. He gets to carry cool stuff on his belt—a walkie-talkie, handcuffs, and one of those clubs they use to beat up bad guys on TV.
    “Did I hear something about a stolen PB&J?” Officer Spence said. “That’s the third one this week!”
    “My mom probably forgot to pack it,” I told him. “It’s not a big deal.”
    “No, this looks like a robbery to me,”said Officer Spence.
    He grabbed his walkie-talkie and started shouting into it. “We have a Code Red at Ella Mentry School! A PB&J heist! Need backup! Fast! This is an emergency!”
    “But Officer Spence, really, I don’t need—”

    I never had the chance to finish my sentence, because that’s when five big guys in bulletproof vests came charging into the vomitorium! They surrounded our table. It was scary, but cool, too.
    “Nobody move!” Officer Spence shouted at us. He took a roll of yellow tape out of his pocket and wrapped it around our chairs. “Don’t touch anything! This is acrime scene. Nobody leave this room. I’ll have to question each of you.”

    Everybody in the vomitorium was shouting and screaming and freaking out.
    That’s when Mr. Klutz came over. He’s the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean none. His head is so shiny, you can see yourself in it. Mr. Klutz was eating a sandwich.
    “Is there the problem here?” he asked.
    Suddenly, Officer Spence wheeled around and pointed his finger at Mr. Klutz as if it was a gun. It was just like policemen do to bad guys on TV.
    “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled.

    “WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
    On TV, the police always yell “Freeze, dirtbag!” when they catch a bad guy breaking the law. Nobody knows why.But I never thought anybody would say “Freeze, dirtbag!” to the principal of a school. It was cool. Mr. Klutz put his hands in the air.
    “Step away from the sandwich, Klutz, and nobody gets hurt!” Officer Spence said. “You’re under arrest!”
    “On what charge?” Mr. Klutz asked.
    “Robbery!” said Officer Spence.

3
The Peanut Butter and Jelly Bandit
    Officer Spence shoved Mr. Klutz against the wall and started searching through his pockets.
    “You can’t arrest the principal of our school!” said Andrea.
    “Oh no?” Officer Spence said. “Just watch me.”
    “I didn’t steal anything!” said Mr. Klutz.
    “Oh no?” asked Officer Spence, holding up a spoon he found in Mr. Klutz’s pocket. “What’s this ?”
    “It’s a spoon,” Mr. Klutz said, “for my yogurt.”
    “Yogurt!” Officer Spence snorted. “Yeah, right! A spoon can be a deadly weapon, Klutz! You could gouge somebody’s eyes out with one of those things. I’m going to have to confiscate this yogurt and do a DNA test on it.”
    “WHAT? Why?”
    “You have the right to remain silent, Klutz,” Officer Spence said. “So shut up!Now open that briefcase. Nice and slow. And don’t make any false moves!”
    Mr. Klutz put his briefcase on the table and opened it.
    “What have we here ?” Officer Spence said as he held up two sandwiches.
    “Those are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,” Mr. Klutz said.
    “And I suppose you were going to eat a yogurt and three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch today, eh?” asked Officer Spence.
    “That’s right,” Mr. Klutz said. “I love peanut butter and jelly.”
    “YOU’RE THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY BANDIT!” Officer Spence yelled,pointing his finger at Mr. Klutz. “You steal food from hungry children. Is that the way you roll, Klutz?”
    “No!” Mr. Klutz said. “My wife made those sandwiches for me. She makes my lunch every day.”
    Officer Spence grabbed the front of Mr. Klutz’s shirt and yelled in his face. “That’s right; blame it on your wife! You’re pathetic, Klutz! I know how to handle punks like