Officer Spence Makes No Sense by Dan Gutman Page B

you.”
    “But—”
    Officer Spence spun Mr. Klutz around and handcuffed his hands behind his back.
    “But I didn’t do anything!” Mr. Klutzprotested. “I’m the principal!”
    “The criminal is always the one you least suspect,” said Officer Spence.
    At that moment, our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, came rushing over.
    “What’s the doggone problem here?” she asked. “I heard some yelling.”
    “Freeze, dirtbag!” shouted Officer Spence. “You’re under arrest!”
    “WHAT!” yelled Mrs. Jafee as he handcuffed her.
    “Take them away, boys!” Officer Spence shouted. “The two of ’em make me sick!”
    The guys with bulletproof vests led Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee out of the vomitorium. We looked out the window andsaw them get into a police car. The sirens were screaming and the lights were flashing as the police car drove away.
    “WOW!” we all said again, which is “MOM” upside down.
    I didn’t like seeing Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee get arrested, but I had to admit it was cool. A lot of weird things have happened at Ella MentrySchool, but this was the first time our principal and vice principal were taken away in handcuffs.

    I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. We were all looking at each other. Nobody knew what to say. Nobody except Andrea, of course.
    “My name is Andrea, and I’m on the Principal’s Advisory Committee,” she said to Officer Spence. “Aren’t you overreacting a little? I mean, it was just a sandwich.”
    “Just a sandwich, Andrea?” Officer Spence said, sneering. “Oh, you don’t know the first thing about how the criminalmind works. First they steal a sandwich. If they get away with it, they come back the next day and take your whole lunch. And if you don’t stop them right there, the next thing you know, they stole your refrigerator.”
    “You think Mr. Klutz is going to steal a refrigerator?” Michael asked.

    “Believe me,” Officer Spence said, “these dirtbags will steal anything that isn’t nailed down.”
    “How would you nail down a refrigerator?” Ryan asked.
    “With really long nails,” I told him.
    “Nobody leaves the school until I get to the bottom of this,” Officer Spence announced.
    “The bottom of what?” asked Neil the nude kid.
    “I’m going to do a full-scale investigation,” Officer Spence explained.
    “You should try the nurse’s office,” I told him. “Mrs. Cooney has a scale in there that you can investigate.”
    Officer Spence stuck his face right next to mine.
    “You think you’re pretty funny, huh, punk?” he said. “Well, okay, Mr. Funny Boy. Just for that, you get to go first !”

4
True or False?
    Go first? Where? I didn’t even know where I was going, but I sure didn’t want to go there first.
    Officer Spence took me to Room 104. That’s Dr. Brad’s room. He’s our school counselor. He helps kids with their problems. But I don’t have any problems,so I don’t have to see him. Dr. Brad doesn’t come to school every day, because he works at a bunch of different schools. So his room was empty.

    “Sit down!” ordered Officer Spence.
    I sat on the only chair in the room. There were wires sticking out of it and leading to a scary-looking machine on the table.
    “Where’s Mr. Klutz?” I asked. “What did you do with him?”
    “He’s probably in the slammer by now,” Officer Spence replied.
    Slammer? I never heard of a slammer. It sounded like some kind of a torture machine.
    “What’s a slammer?” I asked.
    “He’s in the pen,” said Officer Spence.
    “How could Mr. Klutz fit inside a pen?” I asked.
    I didn’t know what he was talking about. If Mr. Klutz was in a pen, it would have to be a really big pen. Where would the ink go? And how could anybody use a pen with a principal inside it?
    “Mr. Klutz is in stir,” said Officer Spence. “He’s in the Big House. The cooler. The joint. The clink. The pokey. The hoosegow. The calaboose.”
    “Huh?”
    “He’s in