On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk by Alison Hughes Page A

where that could lead.
    ME . So now you’re not a jerk at all?
    DAVE . Not even a little bit. Just a totally normal, good guy. Great uncle, great brother…
    MOM . Well…
    UNCLE DAVE ( getting up, reaching for the giant STOP button ). I think we’re done here.
    Conclusions: Uncle Dave seems to be living proof that even complete jerks can become regular non-jerks. In his case, it seemed to be his decision to stop being a jerk. But in the case of other jerks, becoming a non-jerk might be a result of the exhausting, thankless efforts of parents, teachers, counselors and possibly law-enforcement personnel. (See also Scientific Illustration #3: The Path to Complete Jerkdom.)
    It remains unclear why jerks change their behavior. Uncle Dave wasn’t very helpful there. He seemed to say that a change of scene, new interests and becoming aware of other jerks were all factors. Possibly, being avoided or called a jerk might start to register on some jerks and cause them to do a bit of reflecting.
    Uncle Dave shut off the tape recorder and left quickly before I asked the last question, which was “Do you still have episodes of jerkish behavior?” So who knows?

CHAPTER 12
Can Animals Be Jerks?

    Until now, this project has focused exclusively on human jerks. But is the quality of being a jerk limited to humans? Is jerkishness something at which only we as a species excel? Is it related to our bigger-than-many-animals brain size, or our ability to plan?
    In this chapter, I expand the research to other species and draw some important scientific conclusions about the question “Can animals be jerks?” Let me say right now that I’m not including this chapter only to bump up my word count and make this quite an astonishingly long and thorough science project. No, the study of whether animals can be jerks seems a logical, necessary next step in the study of jerkishness.
    This was a very hard chapter to research. I mean, think about it. Animals. There are a lot of them out there. Our family dog, Daisy, was an obvious subject for study, but she’s the happiest, laziest, least jerkish creature I’ve ever known. If anybody ever does a study involving gulping food or lying in sunbeams, Daisy’s your dog. I had to really hunt around for some interesting case studies.
    A) Pets
    Ever strolled through a pet store? There are millions of possible pets to study. It could be a whole project on its own, with chapters on goldfish, hamsters and gerbils. And I’m not even including birds and reptiles. Or exotic pets, like those nine-thousand-dollar birds with curling black tongues and gray reptiley feet. Or monster snakes. Or chinchillas. No, I had to draw the line somewhere, which was made easier by the fact that none of my friends have anything more exciting than cats and dogs.
    CASE STUDY #11
The Flyer-Route Monster
    Subject: Rosie the St. Bernard
    Laboratory: The front yard of 887 Fairlee Way, a house on my flyer route
    Experiment: 887 Fairlee Way is better known as Rosie’s house. Rosie is a monster St. Bernard with a huge, drooly mouth the size and dampness of a half watermelon. She seems a friendly enough dog until you lay a finger on the front gate to, say, try to deliver a flyer. As soon as she sees you touch the gate, Rosie starts up this deep growling, a rumbling like a huge truck in a tunnel. So you freeze. You try again. Same growl. You look into her droopy, red-rimmed monster eyes. You figure it’s not worth it and 887 Fairlee Way never, ever gets a flyer.
    My cousins Jake and Elizabeth (who have three dogs) volunteered to be research assistants in this experiment to see if they could deliver the flyer at Rosie’s house. “You need to be firm. Alpha dog,” said Jake.
    Observations: My cousin Jake’s kind of pushy, and if he hadn’t been helping me out, the way he just snatched the flyer from me might be annoying. Maybe even jerk-like. Anyway, he grabs the flyer,