On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk by Alison Hughes

friends, cousins, neighbors. Your own parents even sort of sighed and nodded.
    ( Uncle Dave swivels around to glare at my mom, who is chopping vegetables .)
    UNCLE DAVE . You got Mom and Dad in on this??
    MOM ( laughing ). Hey, all in the name of science, Dave.
    UNCLE DAVE ( looking uncomfortable ). Okay, okay. Look, I admit it. Many, many years ago, when I was very young, I was not, perhaps, an ideal child.
    ME ( flipping through my notes ). Oh, you were a long way from being “ideal,” Dave. I’ve interviewed several people, who told me about many, many jerkish things you did. Can you tell me about throwing Mom’s doll down three flights of stairs?
    UNCLE DAVE ( groaning ). This again? How many times do I have to say that I was seven years old and interested in flight ! It was a scientific study, like this one…
    MOM ( accusingly, chopping vegetables very hard
     now ). You were laughing and yelling “BOUNCE, DOLLY, BOUNCE!!! You followed her
     down three flights, Dave! And cracked Miss Missy’s hard plastic head!
    UNCLE DAVE ( shrugging ). It was a cheap doll.
    ME . How about when you let the air out of both of Uncle Tim’s bike tires before his first day on his paper route?
    UNCLE DAVE ( covering a smile ). Joke! That was a joke!
    ME ( flipping through my notes ). Or prank-calling your grandma and grandpa until they had to get their number changed, or sprinkling weed killer all over the lawn so it died, or completely unraveling the living room rug, or throwing water bombs from the balcony at the girls at Mom’s tenth birthday “garden party,” or jumping out at little trick-or-treaters dressed as a seriously bloodied victim of an axe murderer with the axe still stuck in your head, or tying up a bunch of rocks in old clothes to make it look like there was a body at the bottom of the neighbor’s pool—
    UNCLE DAVE ( snatching my notebook and rifling through the pages ). You got that pool thing? How many…? Where did you…? Gee, I’d forgotten about most of these…
    ( There is a long pause while Uncle Dave flips pages and reads. Actually, I shut off the tape recorder because there are many, many pages to get through. Finally he finishes and I press the giant PLAY and RECORD buttons again .)
    UNCLE DAVE ( sighing ). Okay, yes, I confess—I was a complete jerk. Thanks for documenting it all, kid. Your brother is now officially my favorite nephew.
    ME . So, Dave. Why do you think you were a jerk then, and not now? Because everybody agrees that you’re normal now.
    MOM . I said sort of normal…
    ME . Anyway, nobody thinks you’re a jerk. I’ve almost never thought, “Hey, that Dave’s a real jerk!”
    UNCLE DAVE . Uncle Dave.
    ME . Whatever.
    UNCLE DAVE ( stretching his legs and settling back into his chair ). Why was I a jerk? I don’t really know. Bored? Misunderstood? Needing some excitement and adventure? Too highly intelligent for the world around me?
    MOM . Yeah, takes lots of brain power to throw a doll downstairs, Einstein.
    UNCLE DAVE . Aren’t we over that one yet? I’m sorry, okay? I’m very, very sorry about Miss Bitty.
    MOM . Miss MISSY !
    UNCLE DAVE ( looking bored ). Whatever.
    ME . When did you stop being a jerk?
    UNCLE DAVE ( sitting up ). Hey, that’s actually interesting…when did I stop? I think I was probably about your age. What are you, about ten?
    ME ( coldly ). I’m thirteen.
    UNCLE DAVE . Yeah, yeah, I was probably about that. Why did I stop being a jerk? I don’t know…We moved, switched schools, I started being a star on the sports teams…
    MOM . And there was Trevor…
    ME . Who’s Trevor?
    UNCLE DAVE . Uh, yeah, Trevor was an older kid who lived down the street. A real jerk. Made me look like an amateur. Actually, he became a low-level criminal when he hit his teens…Anyway, let’s just say Trevor made me think about what a jerk I’d become. And