friends, cousins, neighbors. Your own parents even sort of sighed and nodded.
( Uncle Dave swivels around to glare at my mom, who is chopping vegetables .)
UNCLE DAVE . You got Mom and Dad in on this??
MOM ( laughing ). Hey, all in the name of science, Dave.
UNCLE DAVE ( looking uncomfortable ). Okay, okay. Look, I admit it. Many, many years ago, when I was very young, I was not, perhaps, an ideal child.
ME ( flipping through my notes ). Oh, you were a long way from being âideal,â Dave. Iâve interviewed several people, who told me about many, many jerkish things you did. Can you tell me about throwing Momâs doll down three flights of stairs?
UNCLE DAVE ( groaning ). This again? How many times do I have to say that I was seven years old and interested in flight ! It was a scientific study, like this oneâ¦
MOM ( accusingly, chopping vegetables very hard
now ). You were laughing and yelling âBOUNCE, DOLLY, BOUNCE!!! You followed her
down three flights, Dave! And cracked Miss Missyâs hard plastic head!
UNCLE DAVE ( shrugging ). It was a cheap doll.
ME . How about when you let the air out of both of Uncle Timâs bike tires before his first day on his paper route?
UNCLE DAVE ( covering a smile ). Joke! That was a joke!
ME ( flipping through my notes ). Or prank-calling your grandma and grandpa until they had to get their number changed, or sprinkling weed killer all over the lawn so it died, or completely unraveling the living room rug, or throwing water bombs from the balcony at the girls at Momâs tenth birthday âgarden party,â or jumping out at little trick-or-treaters dressed as a seriously bloodied victim of an axe murderer with the axe still stuck in your head, or tying up a bunch of rocks in old clothes to make it look like there was a body at the bottom of the neighborâs poolâ
UNCLE DAVE ( snatching my notebook and rifling through the pages ). You got that pool thing? How manyâ¦? Where did youâ¦? Gee, Iâd forgotten about most of theseâ¦
( There is a long pause while Uncle Dave flips pages and reads. Actually, I shut off the tape recorder because there are many, many pages to get through. Finally he finishes and I press the giant PLAY and RECORD buttons again .)
UNCLE DAVE ( sighing ). Okay, yes, I confessâI was a complete jerk. Thanks for documenting it all, kid. Your brother is now officially my favorite nephew.
ME . So, Dave. Why do you think you were a jerk then, and not now? Because everybody agrees that youâre normal now.
MOM . I said sort of normalâ¦
ME . Anyway, nobody thinks youâre a jerk. Iâve almost never thought, âHey, that Daveâs a real jerk!â
UNCLE DAVE . Uncle Dave.
ME . Whatever.
UNCLE DAVE ( stretching his legs and settling back into his chair ). Why was I a jerk? I donât really know. Bored? Misunderstood? Needing some excitement and adventure? Too highly intelligent for the world around me?
MOM . Yeah, takes lots of brain power to throw a doll downstairs, Einstein.
UNCLE DAVE . Arenât we over that one yet? Iâm sorry, okay? Iâm very, very sorry about Miss Bitty.
MOM . Miss MISSY !
UNCLE DAVE ( looking bored ). Whatever.
ME . When did you stop being a jerk?
UNCLE DAVE ( sitting up ). Hey, thatâs actually interestingâ¦when did I stop? I think I was probably about your age. What are you, about ten?
ME ( coldly ). Iâm thirteen.
UNCLE DAVE . Yeah, yeah, I was probably about that. Why did I stop being a jerk? I donât knowâ¦We moved, switched schools, I started being a star on the sports teamsâ¦
MOM . And there was Trevorâ¦
ME . Whoâs Trevor?
UNCLE DAVE . Uh, yeah, Trevor was an older kid who lived down the street. A real jerk. Made me look like an amateur. Actually, he became a low-level criminal when he hit his teensâ¦Anyway, letâs just say Trevor made me think about what a jerk Iâd become. And