Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) by Robyn Peterman

touched her waxy face.
    “Of course you haven’t,” I stammered. A wave of apprehension swept through me, and I started to sweat. “There’s only one in existence.”
    Her head whipped around to her bodyguard, “Are you getting all this, Cecil?” He nodded his huge head and kept writing.
    Cecil? His name was Cecil? That so didn’t work for me. He looked like a Butch or a Rocky. “So . . . ” I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth next. I needed to wrap this baby up or I was going to pass out from anxiety. “The pirate—”
    “What’s his name?” the pantiless meanie asked.
    “Um . . . Dave, his name is Pirate Dave. So Pirate Dave time-traveled to the future with the conjoined twins to John Hopkins Hospital.”
    “What year?” she asked, reaching out to touch me with her claw. I backed away, feigning deep thought. “1974.”
    “Why 1974?” She sounded bewildered.
    “Pardon my rudeness, but if you keep talking, I will never finish.” I made eye contact and held it. She narrowed her eyes. I narrowed mine . . . and waited.
    “Fine,” she snapped, “I’ll be quiet.”
    “Good. Anyway, Pirate Dave held his massive sword to the surgeon’s neck and demanded that he separate the twins. So the surgeon did and Dave gave him three bags of gold and some Elvis trading cards he found when he visited the 1950s. He magicked up some limbs for his love and her bitch of a sister because . . . um . . . it would be too hard to live a regular life, you know, missing half a torso and arms and legs and half of your butt and . . . ” I stopped. The entire room watched me, mouths agape. I didn’t take that as a good sign . . . I skipped the rest of their physical description. “So they time-traveled back to the year they were from.”
    “What year?” Evangeline bounced up and down with excitement. Her boobs did not.
    I paused and gave her the evil eye. Her bouncing stopped and she looked passably contrite. “Sorry,” she muttered.
    “The year was 1492. The very same year that Columbus sailed the ocean blue. But what most people don’t know is that Pirate Dave discovered America, not Columbus . . . not Leif Erickson.”
    The crowd gasped. I can’t believe they’re buying this shit. I wonder how far I can go . . .“ If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Pirate Dave is a time-traveling vampire warlock. He’s already been to America in the future a bunch of times and he knows exactly where it is. He doesn’t want to take credit for the discovery because he likes being a pirate too much. He garners great enjoyment out of kidnapping beautiful women and having sex with them. He has a medical problem that causes a constant erection and he has to have sex four to six times a day.”
    “Is this based on a true story?” Evangeline inquired.
    “Yes, yes it is.” I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek so hard I drew blood.
    “I thought so,” she said, impressing herself with her vast knowledge of history.
    “So when they got back to the ship, Pirate Dave and Shirley started to have sex on the deck of the ship while everyone watched. They were so in love, they couldn’t wait to ravish each other and they were so into each other, they didn’t even realize anyone was watching.”
    “How romantic.” Evangeline was breathing hard; her left hand cupped her right breast.
    Ewwww, she was turned on. I was going to shower for a long time that night.
    “Then they lived happily ever after. The end.”
    “Wait,” Evangeline shouted. “What happened to the bitch sister?”
    I hesitated. What in the hell happened to the evil sister? Shit. “She . . . um, tried to kill Pirate Dave and Shirley while they were having intercourse on the deck, but the crew got so mad they threw her overboard. They were all voyeurs.”
    “Did she die?” a high squeaky voice asked. Who in the fuck said that? Cecil? Cecil sounded like a ten-year-old nerd before puberty. His voice did not match his body. He and Evangeline