Play It Again, Spam by Tamar Myers Page A

was
    no way my baby sister was going to marry decked out in the color of sin, even though it was eminently appropriate to her lifestyle.
    So, I just paid more for a dress - to use the term loosely - than I had for my first car. Perhaps it was fortunate my sister
    didn't plan to cut or stitch her swath, because I knew a good seamstress who, after the wedding, could turn those fifty yards into
    five or six real dresses. Perhaps I would even make a profit - if my sister didn't spill anything, and if the mangy mutt minded his
    manners.
    "Miss Yoder, here are the books you wanted from Mystery Lovers Bookshop."
    "Thank you, dear. How much do I owe you?"
    "Consider them a gift. I mean, sort of a thank-you for driving me around before."
    "Well, that's very nice of you, dear. Just don't expect me to come down on my rates."
    She smiled weakly. "Miss Yoder, have you heard anything about John?"
    "Well, actually I have. Your husband didn't drive away in a fit of anger - "
    "But the car! It's gone, and I heard it tear out of here, tires squealing and everything."
    "That was my sister Susannah off on a shopping spree. Apparently your husband loaned her the car."
    Her small brow puckered. "Are you sure? I mean, John's not in the habit of lending anything to anyone."
    "I'm positive. Susannah might lie like a politician, but not when she's about to ask for a favor. And she just asked for a doozy.
    No, it seems your husband decided to cool off by taking a walk."
    "A walk? John hates being outside."
    "Well, that's what he did," I said firmly. "Where would he go?"
    I shrugged. "The woods? The pond across the road? There's lots of nifty places to explore here."
    "John isn't in to exploring."
    "I see. What is he in to?"
    "History."
    "Well, like I said before, there is that old grist mill on the Berkey farm, and Settlers' Cemetery is a very interesting place."
    She shook her head, and not a hair stirred. "John is a student of the classics."
    "I thought you said he was a professor."
    Dainty lips parted. "He was. But the pursuit of knowledge is a lifelong passion for him."
    "Perhaps you should have taken your vacation in Greece," I said, secure in the knowledge that my no-refund, "a head laid is
    a dollar paid" rule is pinned to each of my guests' pillows.
    "We were there just last month doing researching for a book John's writing on the military campaigns of Antigonus
    Monophthalmus."
    "Gesundheit, dear."
    She frowned. "John was looking for someplace quiet and relaxing to write up his notes. He wasn't counting on being
    carjacked."
    Every hair on my bun bristled. "Carjacked? I told you my sister borrowed your car. In fact, your husband insisted she take it."
    She stepped back deeper into the shadows. "Well, that is most unlike John, I assure you."
    "Could we possibly be in denial, dear?"
    "I beg your pardon !"
    "Obviously you and your husband had more than just a tiff."
    She said nothing.
    "Look, dear, I want to help you."
    Silence seemed to be her strength. I flipped the switch on the wall beside me, and she looked like a fawn caught in my
    Beamer's headlights.
    "Oh," she gasped.
    "You do want my help, don't you?"
    She nodded. "Miss Yoder - uh - this is so personal."
    I tugged on a lobe. "These ears have heard just about everything."
    "Yes, but - "
    "Look dear, I have a sister who's slept with more men than Richard Simmons. And did I mention the fact that half of
    Hollywood has spilled their guts to these babies?
    So you see, there's nothing on this good earth that would surprise me. Now them" - I nodded in the direction of the parlor
    door, behind which the veterans congregated - "they might have their water glasses pressed up against the door as we speak.
    Far be it from me to speak ill of paying guests, but that bunch in there is one of the weirdest I've had stay here yet."
    Samantha took a tentative step forward. "Really?"
    "Oh, yes. The men, near as I can tell, have been huddIed in there all day, and the women seem to have been