Play It Again, Spam by Tamar Myers

suddenly he says" - she giggled -
    "shall I skip that part too, Mags?"
    "Shall I forget to call The Material Girl?"
    "Aw, you're no fun! Well, anyway, when he was done swearing he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time and
    said, 'Here, you better take the keys. I'm likely to do something really stupid behind the wheel. So I took them."
    "That's it?"
    "Yeah, basically. Oh, he mentioned something about taking a walk to let off steam. At least that's what I think he said. He's
    got a really weird accent, Mags. Is he from Argentina?"
    "He's from Minnesota, dear, but at least now we're getting somewhere. Did you see which direction he headed?"
    "Nah. I was out of there like a bat out of hell."
    "Don't use the h word," I said sternly.
    "Oh, Mags, you're such a prude. But hey, I came through for you, didn't I?"
    "You did fine."
    "Great, because I have another teensy weensy little favor to ask."
    "Don't even think it, dear, because I am not going to wrap myself in a silk bandage, like I was a five-foot, ten-inch wound."
    "Oh, no, Mags. It's nothing like that. Besides, you'd wouldn't look good in a free-form dress."
    "Yes, she would," I heard a man's voice purr. "Tell Evil Eddy to put a lid on it, dear, and I'll choose to take that last remark of
    yours as a compliment." I sighed perfunctorily. "So what's this final little favor? You want me to snap a few photos of the happy
    couple?"
    "Nah, that would be asking too much. We just want to know if you'd spring for our honeymoon on Aruba."
    "What?" I tried choking the receiver on my phone, but the hard plastic wouldn't budge, much less give me the satisfaction of a
    scream.
    "It's just for five days, Mags. Pweeze. Pwetty prweeze."
    "Can the baby talk, toots! You have a lot of nerve even thinking such a thought, when you didn't even invite me to your pre-
    wedding party."
    Susannah screamed as loud as she did the time Shnookums fell out of her bra and into a pot of warm cookie batter. "Who
    told you about the party?"
    "Sam Yoder, that's who. He said Melvin had been buying the store out getting ready for tomorrow's shindig."
    "But it was supposed to be a surprise," she wailed.
    "For who?"
    "For you, you idiot!"
    "What did you say?"
    "Oh, Mags, you've done so much for me over the years. Since Mama and Papa died you've been like - well, a mother. And
    all along I've given you nothing but grief."
    "Oh, pshaw," I said, frankly rather embarrassed. "The day before I got married you were nice to me for an hour, and you were
    nice again for twenty-two minutes the day Aaron left."
    "You see? That's what I mean! All I do is take, take, take, and I hardly ever give, so this party was going to be my present to
    you."
    "It was?"
    "Everyone's coming, Mags - even Freni."
    "Freni doesn't know a thing about this, dear. She's as hurt as I am."
    "Not anymore, Mags. I explained the whole thing, and she's coming."
    "Our Freni is going to an English party?"
    "She wouldn't miss it for the world, Mags. And it's not for me she's coming. She's coming for you. Everyone is going to be
    there on account of you."
    "Oh, my. I don't know what to say."
    "Say you'll come! Melvin and I were going to 'kidnap' you, which would have been a lot of fun, but maybe not so wise. Now
    we don't have to."
    "And lucky for you. Okay, I'll come. And you're sure the party is for me?"
    "Don't be silly, Mags. Now, about Aruba - "
    "In your dreams, dear," I said sweetly. I called the airlines just the same.
    I had just gotten off the phone with The Material Girl when I noticed Samantha Burk standing in the lengthening shadows of
    my lobby. Of course I jumped. Who knew how long the concert pianist had been skulking about; little people have an unfair
    advantage in the art of espionage.
    "Yes, dear, can I help you?" If my tone was not as sweet as my words, it's because the silk Susannah wanted was not on
    sale. Some bumbling clerk or prank-playing child had switched the signs on her beloved bolt of blue with one of black. There