Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley Page A

attendants from L. to R. watched by SAM with shuddering interest. As soon as they have gone, LAMISON appears R.
.
    LAMISON:
(Staying near entrance.)
Her Highness Princess Melicent would fain have a word with thee.
    SAM:
(Rising and going, gloomily.)
I would fain have a word with her too – it might be the last.
    LAMISON holds flap open for him but stays when SAM goes
.
    LAMISON:
(Sneering.)
Go, fool!
The Black Knight Hath My Heart
– quotha! The Red Knight hath thy liver.
    Enter MALGRIM and NINETTE carrying similar bundle of weapons etc we have seen on floor
.
    NINETTE: Thank you so much, Lamison. Just what we needed.
    LAMISON goes and they come in
.
    MALGRIM:
(Pleased with himself.)
Now you see, my dear Ninette, we exchange good weapons, shield and helmet the Princess provided for him –
(Kicks bundle on floor.)
giving him this utility trash once authorised by the Camelot Armour and Weapons Board. Ha-ha-ha!
(As they exchange the bundles.)
    NINETTE: Marvellous, darling!
    MALGRIM:
(With mock modesty.)
Oh – just one of a few amusing ideas I’ve had, my dear Ninette.
    NINETTE:
(With enthusiasm.)
What I adore about helping you, darling, is that you never stop having these brilliant original ideas – really lovely wicked plotting all the time. Anything else?
    MALGRIM: Yes. Stay behind and persuade him he needs a tankard of ale to give him courage –
(He is moving to entrance R. carrying bundle from floor.)
    NINETTE:
(Delighted.)
And then you’ll send him some abominable potion –
    MALGRIM:
(As he goes.)
That’ll render him faint and dizzy – ha-ha-ha!
    Goes. More noises off. SAM returns, looking gloomier than ever
.
    NINETTE: Sam – why so downcast?
    SAM: Lamison said the Princess wanted to speak to me – and I couldn’t even get into the Royal Box – not properly dressed.
    NINETTE: Wouldn’t you like me to buckle your armour for you, Sam dear?
    SAM: I’d like somebody to give me a hand but not you, Ninette dear.
    NINETTE:
(All innocence.)
You don’t trust me?
    SAM:
(Gloomily.)
I’m a chump but not that much of a chump.
    NINETTE: Oh – you
are
unfair. I’ve a good mind not to tell you about the special Tournament ale –
    SAM:
(Hopefully.)
Tournament ale?
    NINETTE: Brewed specially for competitors in tournaments. But of course it’s no use my offering to bring you some.
    SAM: Quite right.
    NINETTE: But perhaps if I ask the barmaid to bring you some –
    SAM: Barmaid? There isn’t a barmaid here –
    NINETTE:
(As she goes.)
Of course there is.
    She goes. Noise off again. This time we hear what seems to be a boxing referee – slowly ‘Six……Seven……Eight……Nine……Ten’ and the sound of a boxing bell. Again, a bleeding unconscious knight is carried through from L. to R.
.
    SAM has now opened the bundle of weapons etc. He gives the helmet a kick and dents it, to his astonishment and disgust. He tries the sword and at once bends it. In despair he leans on the spear and it begins to crack. All this amounts to a comic routine, needing careful timing and rehearsal. There should still be noises off. As he sits down in despair, the BARMAID from The Black Horse, exactly as we saw her before, enters carrying a pewter tankard
.
    BARMAID:
(In her usual toneless style.)
One tournament ale.
    SAM:
(Taking it.)
Thanks.
(Recognising her.)
Oh – it’s you.
    BARMAID: That’s ri’. Turned out nice again.
    SAM: I wish it hadn’t. Well, I need this.
(He empties the tankard in one long go.)
Strong stuff. Bottle or barrel?
    BARMAID: Don’t ask me. That chap with a beard give it me for you – tricky bloke, I’d say –
    SAM:
(Aghast.)
Malgrim?
    BARMAID: That’s him. What’s up? All right, isn’t it?
    SAM:
(Uneasily.)
I don’t know yet. By the way, you haven’t seen Captain Plunket – y’know, the chap who ordered all the double Scotches –
    BARMAID: No. Is
he
here?
    SAM: He
was
.
    BARMAID: I saw Mr Sanderson. He’s offerin’ ten to one on the Red Knight. They say he’s bloody murder, that Red