Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley

High spirits.
(He drinks.)
    MELICENT: You see, you won’t be
pretending –
    SAM:
(Coming spluttering out of his drink.) What?
D’you mean there
is
a Red Knight –
and a dragon?
    MELICENT: Of course, darling.
    MARLAGRAM: And all you have to do is to overcome them – swish-bish-bang-wallop! – he-he-he!
    SAM:
(Staring from one to the other, aghast.)
Yes – but – have a heart!
    MELICENT:
(Cheerfully.)
That’s the point, darling. I
have
a heart. And it’s all right talking about every man wanting a smiling princess – very sweet of you, and I’m sure it’s true – but of course the one who marries her must have proved himself a hero.
    SAM:
(Dubiously.)
What if he isn’t a hero?
    MELICENT: Why bother thinking about that? You
are
a hero. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t, darling.
    SAM: That’s true – to some extent. But don’t forget, this kind of life’s quite strange to me. I’ve never had a single lesson in tackling Red Knights and dragons.
    MELICENT: That makes you all the braver, darling.
    SAM:
(Anxiously.)
Yes – but – er – would there be any chance of – er – an invisible cloak – or an unbreakable spear – or a magic sword that cuts through everything – any of the usual heroes’ aids?
    MELICENT: Very sensible, Sam darling! What do you think, Master Marlagram?
    MARLAGRAM: ’Fraid not – he-he-he! We’ve left it a bit late, haven’t we – and they all run into money these days.
    SAM: Well, what about some sort of general enchantment – so that nobody knows exactly what’s happening – ?
    MARLAGRAM: Then nobody’d know you’re a hero –
    MELICENT: And if you’re not a hero, you can’t marry me, Sam dear. Let’s go. We’re putting you into the assistant-chief-armourer’s room –
    MARLAGRAM: He’ll be here but standing in the corner all night. He-he-he! I’ve made him think he’s a mace.
(Begins to move out.)
    MELICENT: So you can have a good night’s sleep, darling.
    SAM:
(Ready to move.)
I’d have a better one if I also thought I was a mace. What time’s the tournament in the morning?
    MELICENT:
(Calling back as she goes.)
Seven o’clock.
    SAM:
(Moving, horrified.)
A Red Knight at seven o’clock! I can’t face even a fried egg at seven o’clock.
    As soon as scene fades, we hear sound of trumpets. At other side of stage, HERALD appears, in a light that suggests clear early morning sunlight. Before he speaks there is another fanfare
.
    HERALD:
(With great pomp.)
Hear ye – hear ye – hear ye! His Royal Majesty, King Meliot of Peradore, High Lord of Bergamore, Marralore and Parlot – Overlord of Lancington, Low Moss and Three Bridges – doth pledge his solemn word that he who overcomes the Red Knight shall be first to try an honourable venture with the fiery dragon now below in the wood – which if he should also overcome he shall be given the hand of Princess Melicent in marriage. Refreshment may be obtained in the buffet behind the main stand. Spectators in the gallery are requested not to throw the peel of oranges.
    Another fanfare. We now hear a tremendous din – the shouts of the crowd, the clash of weapons, the thud of horses’ hoofs, drums and trumpets. This continues off when next scene opens
.
SCENE FOUR
    The interior of a large medieval tent-pavilion gay with heraldic devices etc, richly decorated. Noises, coming off L., must be heard between dialogues. Several small covered stools. The pavilion is well-lit but we should feel that outside entrance L. is a blaze of sunlight. SAM is discovered, sitting half-dressed with a few pieces of armour already on, looking gloomy. His shield, helmet and weapons are bundled together, near him, on the floor. He listens to the noise outside. Now we hear an umpire’s voice off L. exactly like Wimbledon
.
    UMPIRE:
(Off L..)
Deuce!
(More noise.)
Vantage to striker!
(More noise.)
Game! Game – Set – and Match to the Red Knight.
    A large unconscious and much battered knight is carried through the pavilion by