Private Parts by Howard Stern

to have butter on my potato or I can't eat it." I'll put you in a concentration camp for one week, and you'll eat a potato without butter. It'll taste like ice cream to you.
    "The secret to life is so simple," I declared on my show. "The reason I am announcing this secret is that perhaps one of the maniacs who is stealing a radio right now might accidentally tune to me and say, 'Uh-oh, I'm about to get the secret of life.' To him it would be profound."
    Then Robin complained that my secret to life was too honest. I
    didn't make it appetizing enough for the listeners.
    Okay. Let me make it appetizing. If you follow the secret of life as Howard Stern expresses it, guess what will happen to you? You won't be beaten by the police. You won't be in jail. And you won't have to riot. You'll be perfectly happy.
    That still wasn't good enough for Robin.
    "You gotta say life will be sweet and all the rewards of the world will be yours," she said. "Lie, Howard."
    I thought about it for a second.
    "You're right, Robin, I should lie. I should tell all the rioters this secret of life. I hope they're tuned in. Here's the secret of life: Jump into a tub, get yourself wet. Put your finger in an electrical socket. That's the secret of life, you retards."
    HOLLYWOOD IN THE 'HOOD
    MTV got me really pissed off during their coverage of the L.A. riots. What the hell was MTV doing covering the riots anyway? They flew in that baldy Montel Williams and imported a bunch of fifteen-year-old black kids who were sitting there looking angry and pissed off. MTV video jock John Norris got his combat boots on and they got a pretty young white girl host in a short skirt wearing a "No Justice" T-shirt. Who got no justice? The girl in the miniskirt? Montel Williams? I was furious at this knee-jerk superficial attempt by MTV to "solve" social problems.
    Then they had Cosby on, making a "statement." Cosby says, "Let's all pray that everyone, from the top of the government down to the people in the street, that we all have good sense." What the hell was he talking about? Why do the people in the government have to pray? What are they praying for, the idiots in the streets? Nobody wanted to say that those dickfaces in the streets had absolutely no agenda, no reason to do any of what they were doing, and they all should have been mowed down right there and then. Then they got that jerk Arsenio Hall. It's pretty sad when they have to go to a failed stand-up comedian to calm people down. Arsenio tried to deliver a message but nobody paid any attention to him. I did hear, though, that he was of invaluable assistance to the National Guard because they used the top of his head as a landing strip for
    
    Pissing everyone off, I played David Duke on my TV show. I pulled off my hood and shared the family photo album. their supply runs. Listen to this pretentious idiot:
    "I'm a graduate of Kent State. I know that story about the National Guard, man. When they come tonight, it's gonna be insane. I don't want nobody getting killed. Imagine what they'll do to my young black brothers and sisters tonight if they're out in the streets. Please know where your children are because if you don't know where they are tonight, you might have to bury them tomorrow. I'm telling you, they killed white kids in Kent State, they will wear us out tonight."
    Listen to that fuck face. What is he, a general? He's phonier than a Chinese redhead. What a stupid argument, too. At Kent State, kids were tragically killed when they were taking a moral stance in opposing a stupid war. He's comparing the lowlife scum looting and beating innocent truck drivers to nonviolent antiwar protesters? Whooo! Whoooo! Whoooo! Whaaaat a moron.
    This politically correct Hollywood crowd should have gotten
    together to sing the peace song we wrote for L.A. It went to the tune of that old Billy Joel hit "Just the Way You Are":
    DON'T GO RIOTING
    Don't go rioting, you African-Americans
    Don't yank us whites out of our