Psychos: A White Girl Problems Book by Babe Walker

always picked up the phone when I needed to talk about Robert. Plus, he was a male Gemini (my fave). We went to art openings, club openings, restaurant openings, and one weird party in Topanga Canyon that turned out to be an orgy. He even invited me to go to Sanya (google it) with him and this Japanese pop star he was friends with.
    But I never made it to Sanya. Téo and I were supposed to have lunch a couple weeks before the trip to hash out the details and discuss our various Sanya looks, but he “got held up at a photo shoot” and told me I could fly private with him if I “just came to the Burbank airport on Friday,” not specifying a date or time, and not responding to my texts inquiring as to when exactly the flight was leaving. Then the next Saturday morning he texted me that he’d landed at Fenghuang airport and that he would have called me but he “lost his phone.” Whatever. I never heard from Téo again, but I did see a pic of him sitting at Nicole Kidman’s Golden Globes table, so yay Téo.
    Not long after Téo disappeared, I ran into his weird twin friends Mads and Hels at a macrobiotic cooking class at M Café. They were inappropriately excited to see me, so I let them have my number. I didn’t want to like them, but I couldn’t deny the fact that visually we made a lot of sense. Not only were they super tall, super naturally blond, and super bitchy, but my hair was in fact the perfect shade of chocolate brown to be hanging out with them. When they got into an epic screaming match (in the middle of our class) over a Balmain clutch that Helena had borrowed from Madelena without permission, and Madelena threatened to strangle Helena in her sleep with her own hair, I knew I’d found my new psycho besties.
    We went out for drinks later that night and I was so right—we were the perfect trifecta of hair color and skin tone. I mean, yes, they were crazy and they drank too much and triple kissed with some guy, which was kind of gross, but they were also a lot of fun. They ended up spending the night in my guest house and we stayed up talking ’til sunrise. It was like I’d met two blonder, less pretty, less intelligent versions of myself as a teenager.
    But after two weeks of hanging out nonstop, things got dark. Madelena and Helena were super competitive and they were always trying to put me in the middle of their drama. I mean, mostly they’d fight about clothes, so it was kind of a non-issue, but hanging out with twins in matching Isabel Marant Bekkets was really annoying. Especially when the truth was that I hated wedge sneakers and I wished they would go away forever. Also, they’d get really violent with each other if either of them happened to be on Provigil that day. I finally had to call it quits with them after seeing Helena pull out a chunkof Madelena’s hair with her teeth because they both wanted to wear the same leather jacket to lunch. Not to mention the fact that Helena also bit me when I tried to play referee to their insanity. I thought fashion took me to a dark place, but I clearly had no idea.
    My social life had been wreaking havoc on my skin, so I decided to take a night off from being out and reinvigorate with a HUGE bottle of alkalized negative ion water, hibiscus tea, and a tourmaline-charged radiance face mask. I had just washed the mask off and was slipping into bed when I heard the unmistakable sound of an American SUV approaching the back gate.
    I checked the security camera via an app on my iPhone, and was shocked to see Robert’s surly Ford rental parked just up the street. I knew it was his because I had taken a mental photograph of the license plate when I was with him last (just something I always do when getting into cars). My first thought was: What the fuck? My second thought was: He’s come here to ask me to marry him. My third thought was: Do something you’ll regret.
    Suddenly the doorbell rang. I switched to the front door camera view and, sure enough, Robert