Putting Alice Back Together by Carol Marinelli

a.m. by the time Roz got me home.
    Woozy from the Valium, all I wanted to do was sleep, but Roz found me trying to set my alarm.
    ‘What are you doing?’
    ‘I have to pick up Hugh.’
    ‘I’ll pick up Hugh. And you’re not going to work tomorrow. You’re staying in bed.’
    ‘I haven’t got any sick days left.’ I climbed into bed, too tired to pull the duvet up.
    ‘I’ll ring them for you—I’ll ring the hospital if you like, get a note.’
    ‘I won’t get paid if I don’t go in.’
    It was the closest I’d come to admitting how broke I was, that I couldn’t ring in sick tomorrow, that I needed my crap hourly rate, and thankfully Roz didn’t push it, just tucked the bedding in around me.
    ‘Sorry I rotted up your night,’ I said.
    ‘You didn’t.’ Roz smiled.
    ‘You were on a date.’
    ‘About three hours before you rang.’
    ‘I didn’t disturb anything?’
    ‘It was our first date—I was hardly…’ She didn’t carry on: we both knew our version of first dates were different.
    ‘Thank you.’
    ‘Go to sleep, Alice. I’ll crash in Nicole’s room.’
    ‘You don’t mind staying?’
    ‘Of course not.’ Roz paused before she left. ‘Alice, is anything worrying you?’
    ‘I told you, nothing.’
    ‘Okay—but if you were worrying about something, you know you could talk to me.’
    ‘I know,’ I lied.
    ‘If there is something on your mind, you can share it—I might even understand.’
    I looked at her kind, tired face.
    A woman who’d married at seventeen, who was studying to be an accountant, who had it all so together she didn’t even use conditioner, and as much as she might think she’d understand, I knew that she couldn’t.
    ‘I’m fine.’
    ‘Good.’
    ‘I really am.’
    I was tired, but I still couldn’t settle, so I took one of the Valium and read one of my self-help books as I waited for it to kick in.
    I was to picture myself as a child apparently, to love the little me, and I managed a wry grin at that.
    If only she’d seen what I’d looked like!
    I lay back on the pillow, I could hear Roz snoring and it soothed me.
    With Roz in the flat, I could almost stand to think.

Eleven
    I pulled out some money from my savings and on Thursday after school I went to the hairdresser and got it straightened again. It looked even better this time than it had at the wedding. She smoothed it with serum, and then, after I went home and thankfully Mum was out, I washed myself and I shaved my legs. I pinched some of the perfume Lex had bought Bonny.
    I wanted to change into something, but I always went in my school uniform and I didn’t want him to think I was making an effort or, worse, for Celeste to think that I was, so I didn’t bother.
    Celeste was poisonous; she warned him that they had to leave at seven for the antenatal class as we headed to his study.
    ‘Like I want to learn to change nappies!’ Gus said as he closed the study door.
    But whatever had happened on Monday had gone. He was very businesslike, and really pushed me. He even told me off a bit when I messed up, and said that if I wanted to pass then I had to practise more.
    Celeste came in at ten to seven and told him they had to leave now.
    ‘Alice has paid for an hour,’ Gus said. ‘You don’t mind spending it, Celeste; well, I have to earn it. I’ll meet you there.’
    She slammed out of the study again and then out of the house.
    ‘I can go…’
    ‘No.’ Gus shook his head. ‘Play, Alice—she moans about the noise. Jesus…’ He hissed out his frustration, closed his eyes and I felt so sorry for him. He was doing his best, trying to earn some money, and all she did was moan.
    And I told him so.
    ‘She’s lucky to have you.’
    ‘Well, she doesn’t think so… We went to this sodding class last week. I’m doing everything right—I’ve married her, I’m supporting her and there’s not even a sniff of appreciation, not a sniff of anything.’
    ‘Then she’s…’ I didn’t know what to