Putting the Madge in Danna by Mia Natasha

describes me, since I’m simply looking for
a Madonna-worthy one-off hook up of the female presuasion. Lady
kiss-kiss isn’t such a big deal in the Greek community, by the way.
Didn’t we invent the term lezbo? I think so because they came from
the Island of Lesbos, right? It is perfectly normal for girls who
go to my church to kiss each other hello. We always do a double
cheek, except when I’m greeting Appollonia Phylos, who has a
massive moley-mole on her cheek. It’s ghastly, by the way,
especially when you’re heading towards it and can’t scream lest you
get the evil eye from Appollonia’s mother. Lots of time, we lip
kiss instead and when I do that with my cousins or besties from
church school, I’m never thinking this is
gay . It just seems natural.
    As I was thinking about this stuff on my way
to the mall, it made me feel less embarrassed at failing to go all
the way with my male companions. I started getting almost excited
for my lez-lez conquest, as though it was going to be the very best
one. It would jumpstart my hooey in a sort of Sci-Fi regeneration,
which would lead to better success with the remaining male
conquests!
    Sometimes Zeus jokes about
doing a threesome. We both love that old movie Summer Lovers , where the young
couple fucks a Greek girl during their summer vacation on Mykonos.
That movie is super sexy because all the people involved are
attractive. Zeus and I agreed that if we were ever to add a third
party to our love making it would have to be Mila Kunis and no
other facsimile. He doesn’t like the idea of doing a girl who
doesn’t look exactly like me, and I don’t really feel comfortable
sharing him with anyone in case that girl tries to steal him from
me. So we made a deal that the only way we would ever go for it, is
if we ran into my famous actress doppelganger and she agreed to
it.
    Naturally, that would
never happen. Hmm. What are the chances, really? We are very lucky people. I
guess she could conceivably be in Hawaii if we go there on our
honeymoon. That would definitely be weird, especially if she were
behind the front desk, like she was during the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall . She looks so much like me, it’s actually eerie. It would be
like me fucking Zeus and fucking myself at the same time like a
giant narcissist. Would she fall in love with Zeus then try to
snatch him away from me forever using her acting wiles? I shudder
to think it.
    I had planned to waltz into Macy’s the way
Zeke Feathertoe had danced me over to the leg press machine – and I
was going to point blank ask the sales girl on a girl date. Then
after plying her with drinks, I’d get her to lick me up, maybe she
could even strap one on and fuck my hoo-ha silly, which it needs
badly. Are lesbians as easy to persuade into the sack as guys, I
wondered? I didn’t know, but I would learn quickly, I thought.
    I had the scenario’s dialogue in my head,
how I would say, “I bet your hooey smells like Hostess Twinkies,”
and she’d say, “Indeedy-do. Care for a whiff and a taste?”
    “ Yes, please,” I’d say.
“Let’s get into the groove.”
    She wasn’t there. What was I thinking? It’s
true that like Madonna, my life’s trajectory thus far had been
positively successful, so I guess I thought that my blog-mission
would take on this magical voyage type of aura. Like everything
would just fall into place the way it does in a movie – the way
Dorothy works out her problems in her Oz dream.
    That story would have made much more sense
had Dorothy been a little older. She could have had heaps more fun
in Oz. She would have been happy boffing the Lion for a time while
living in that green city, don’t you think? I mean who doesn’t love
a talking cat? Plus they all thought she was super powerful and
wonderful even though she was a malicious witch murderer. She could
do no wrong. They thought she was a good witch, like Glinda, whom
they all adored the way I worship Madonna.
    Before my dream, I