Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) by Mark Ravenhill

the door, OK? Well, OK. Pissing and the door opens. Door opens and it’s her.
    Lulu      So you’re what – in the ladies?
    Robbie      Urinals in the ladies?
    Mark      Nope.
    Robbie      So this is the –
    Mark      Urinals in the gents.
    Robbie      So she’s –
    Mark      She’s there in the gents, OK? Standing in the gents watching me piss, OK? And now, we’re in like bright – we’re in fluorescent light I see.
    Lulu      Who? Who? Who?
    Mark      Not yet.
    Robbie      Why not?
    Mark      Because I’m out of it, OK. As you say, I’m on something. I should know who, but I don’t recognise her, OK?
    Lulu      So then bright light and you see . . . ?
    Mark      See what she’s wearing. A uniform. She is wearing a police uniform.
    Lulu      Fuck. Who? Who? Who?
    Robbie      A man’s uniform or – ?
    Mark      WPC. The Docs, the stockings, the jacket. The works. The hat. And she looks me in the eyes –
    Gary      A woman?
    Robbie      You’re pissing?
    Mark      Looks me in the eyes by way of the mirror, OK?
    Robbie      OK, OK.
    Gary      You did it with a woman?
    Mark      She looks, she, she, she cruises me and then goes into one of the cubicles but looking at me all the time, you know? Goes into one of the cubicles and leaves the door ajar. I want to race right in there, you know? Get down to it but, like you do, I count to ten. Count to ten and then like coolly walk past. And as I walk past I take a cool glance to my left, cool look into the cubicle, cubicle with the door ajar and – wow.
    Lulu      Wow?
    Mark      Wow? The skirt is up around the waist. The skirt is up and the knickers are off or maybe she never had knickers – who knows? – but the skirt is up and she is like displaying this beautiful, come and get it snatch to die for, OK?
    Gary      Said you didn’t go for women.
    Robbie      Facing / you?
    Lulu      Who is it?
    Mark      So I’m in there. I’m in and I kneel. I pay worship. My tongue is worshipping that pussy like it’s God. And that’s when she speaks. Speaks and I know who she is.
    Lulu      Who?
    Mark      She says ‘Oh yah. Chocks away.’
    Lulu      No.
    Robbie      What?
    Gary      Is this a woman?
    Lulu      No – it can’t be.
    Robbie      I told you.
    Lulu      That is fucking unbelievable.
    Robbie      Yes, yes it is.
    Lulu      What? Fergie?
    Mark      Yup. Fergie.
    Lulu      Fucking hell.
    Mark      I recognise the voice. Get a look at the face. It’s her.
    Robbie      Come on –
    Mark      Fergie is like ‘chocks away’. Fergie is right down to it. Fergie is ready to swallow anything, you know? I mean, any chocks there might have been have been chocked away. So a couple of minutes later, I’m there and Fergie is fellating. It’s gobbledeygobble up against the cistern.
    Robbie      Nobody believes this. How can you believe this?
    Mark      Gobbledeygobble and the door, door to the cubicle starts to open.
    Robbie      This is ridiculous.
    Mark      I haven’t locked the door, you see.
    Robbie      We said the truth. It had to be the truth.
    Mark      Rule number one. Always lock the door.
    Robbie      No one believes this.
    Mark      Door opens and there’s another woman. Yes. There’s a second woman. Another policewoman like squeezes her way in.
    Robbie      Shut up.
    Mark      With blonde hair.
    Robbie      SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
    Pause
.
    Mark      What? What I thought you wanted to know . . .
    Robbie      The truth.
    Mark      Which is what . . .
    Robbie      No.
    (
To
Lulu .) Do you believe him?
    (
To
Gary .) Do you?
    Pause
.
    Rule number one. Never believe a junkie.
    Because a junkie is a cunt. And when a junkie looks you in the eyes and says ‘I love