Refrain (Soul Series Book 3) by Kennedy Ryan Page A

heartbeat?”
    “Too early for that.” Dr. Allister types in a few notes. “Next appointment maybe.”
    Rhyson releases my hand he’s been clutching this whole time to aim his phone at the screen and presses record.
    “We’ll give you a 3D picture, Mr. Gray,” Dr. Allister assures him.
    “I just want my own.” He shakes his head dazedly again. “This is just . . . wow.”
    Absolute awe and joy light up his expression. My emotions aren’t as straightforward. I do feel this incredible sense of connection with what looks like an ink blot in my uterus, but other emotions press in too. Fear. Disappointment. Maybe a little resentment. And, yes, guilt for even feeling anything less than the joy all over Rhyson’s face. There are women who have been trying to get pregnant for years. And here I wasn’t even trying, didn’t even want it yet, and I’m . . .
    Pregnant.
    Once the machine is wheeled out, and Dr. Allister and Rhyson leave so I can get dressed, I’m left with just the little square print out of my ink blot. This little blob growing for the last few weeks inside of me just turned my life upside down, and I had no idea.

I CAN’T STOP WATCHING IT.
    My phone glows in the unlit music room as I play the video over and over. I only recorded a few seconds of today’s ultrasound. It’s just this little smudgy sack in a grainy pool of Jell-O. There’s not even any sound other than us breathing and Dr. Allister’s voice. There’s no heartbeat. No head or feet or fingers. No little peter.
    Peter? I can’t say dick now? I’m already censoring myself in my head. I guess peter is better than wiener or some other kid-appropriate name for cock. I’m already thinking like a father.
    A father.
    Shit. I’m gonna be a father. I am a father because I bet this child couldn’t feel any more real to me if she were already here.
    It’s a girl, by the way.
    All I’ve felt since Kai told me she was pregnant is joy, wonder, amazement. I can’t even assign names to all the emotions that washed over me in that examination room. For the first time since today’s appointment, fear and doubt creep in. What if I screw this kid up the way my parents screwed up on me? How much therapy would that take? Anything could happen. I Googled the first trimester, and Kai is more likely to miscarry over the next couple of months than at any other time during her pregnancy. Three minutes with that little blob, and I’d already do anything to protect it. To keep it. The same staunch protectiveness I feel for Kai instantly extended to our little blob.
    “You okay?” Kai whispers from the doorway.
    A wedge of darkness yields to the moonlight pouring in just beyond the wide windows, silhouetting her slim curves. The hem of my Jim Morrison t-shirt caresses her legs. She crosses one foot over the other, leaning her head against the doorframe.
    “Why are we whispering?” I ask just as quietly, adding a smile that she slowly returns. “Come here.”
    I open my arms and wait for her to cover the few feet between the entrance and the piano where I’m seated. She settles on my knees, and I kiss her hair when she leans into me. I can’t help it. One hand strays to her left ring finger, touching the glittering sign to the world that she belongs to me. My other hand covers her flat stomach holding our little secret. You can’t see it, but my baby’s in there, and it makes me feel a hundred feet tall.
    “You couldn’t sleep?” she asks.
    “Too wired, I guess. Thinking about the baby.” I scan her expression for any signs of the same excitement that has me out of bed at two o’clock in the morning. She’s pulled that blank mask over her feelings. I’m not having it. I’ll spend the rest of my life digging around in that pretty head and excavating her heart. I don’t want to leave anything unspoken between us. Not ever again. We’ve been there and done that, and I want to give her everything. I’m only asking her for one thing in