Runaway Love by Pamela Washington Page A

have sex, but I can’t be intimate with him after having sex with Scott a couple nights ago. It just doesn’t seem right, and I’m afraid that Tony will know that I did something wrong. I need to get out of this house and clear my head because my guilt is eating away at me every time I’m around my husband. 
    “Tony, would you be mad if I said I needed to leave the house for a little while?” Tony jumps straight up and starts running his fingers through his hair.
    “What’s gotten into you, Grace? Did I do something wrong?” He drops to his knees and pulls my hands to him “I love you, Gracie. We can’t go backwards. Don’t shut down on me; talk to me, please.” 
    God, I can’t do this! I’m already hurting him, but if he knew the truth, would it destroy him? Would he still love me the same? I know he doesn’t want me to leave the house this late, so I need to convince him to go to work tomorrow so I can have some alone time. I think that’s a good compromise.
    “I love you, Antonio, and I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. But, we need to get back to normal and start living our lives. I love having you home all day with me, but you need to go to work tomorrow. Please, baby, I’ll be fine.”
    He’s shocked when I say his full name; I never use it unless I’m upset with him. He kisses me on the lips and my neck. I pull away from him and look into his eyes. I can see the hurt I’m causing him, and I hate it. Damn me for looking for Scott. No, damn Scott for lying on the beach and making the tabloids. I may be all kinds of fucked up, but this is all Scott’s fault!
    “I know something is wrong, Grace, but I’ll go to work tomorrow to give you time to think. Just remember, I’m here for you no matter what.” He stands up and walks over to his side of the bed and lies down. I get up and head into the bathroom to turn the shower on. When the water is warm enough, I curl up on the floor of the shower and cry silent tears until I have no more tears left inside of me.
    I dry off and lie down in bed to snuggle up to Tony. I had thought he’d be sleeping by now, but I was wrong.
    “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Grace.” He pulls me in closer. I want to cry again, but I just close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts as I wait for sleep to claim me.
     

 
     
     
     
    The next morning, I get up early from having a restless sleep. I start making breakfast as Tony gets Scottie ready. I watch my two favorite guys walk into the kitchen. I give Tony a kiss before I kiss Scottie.
    “Mom, you’re in a good mood. I love when you’re in a good mood!” My heart breaks at his excitement over what should be a normal morning. I’ve been distant with Scottie, and it’s obviously been bothering him. I know I shouldn’t let my emotions affect my relationship with my son, but right now, I don’t know how to be a mom and it sucks.
    We sit down to eat, and Tony tells me that he’ll be leaving work early so he can watch Scottie’s karate practice. I appreciate Tony thinking about taking care of the everyday responsibilities for me right now. I wonder if I would’ve even remembered to pick Scottie up on time, and a tremendous wave of guilt washes over me. What kind of mother am I? I wonder how different I would be as a parent if I had had one to look up to? Tony was blessed with two amazing parents and look how he turned out! I would like to think I’d be more deserving of Tony and Scottie’s love if I knew what I was doing. But, I can only do the best I can do… We are all in our own thoughts as we finish up our breakfast. I kiss my guys goodbye then grab the plates as Tony and Scottie leave to start their day.
    I go upstairs and change my clothes so I can go for a run on the treadmill. I put my headphones on to have Adele’s Rolling in the Deep is blasting in my ears. I run like I need to run Scott out of mind. I need to tell him that I need to move on with my life because this