Scars from a Memoir by Marni Mann Page B

from an overdose. But Eric was just my best friend; we never kissed. Things with Asher were different.
    As I directed Mark to my apartment, he stayed silent, staring out the windshield. His lips were pursed. He must not have liked my answer. But what did he want from me? He had tried to take advantage of me, and if Asher hadn't been sitting on the front steps of my building with his arms crossed and his heels tapping the pavement, I'd have confronted Mark about it.
    “Is it all right if I call you tomorrow?” Mark asked.
    “I guess that's fine.” I shut the door and turned toward Asher. Mark's car pulled away from the curb, but Asher didn't move.
    “So that's Mark?” Asher asked.
    “How do you know—”
    “Sada told me you got her fired and gave her a black eye. Why would you do that?”
    “ What ?” I remembered the bruise around Sada's eye. She really was trying to get him to break up with me. “I didn't touch her, and I definitely didn't give her—”
    “So you and Mark weren't hanging all over each other when you left the café?”
    “We did leave the café together, but it's not what you think.”
    “I'm thinking a lot of things right now. None of them are good.”
    I stood in front of him, but he wouldn't look at me. “Let me explain.” I crouched down and put my hands on his knees. “Sada doesn't want us together. Once she found out I was a junkie, I wasn't good enough. She has it out for me.”
    He stepped over me. “Maybe you have it out for her.”
    “You believe her?”
    “She's never lied to me.”
    “And I have?” I stood and pushed past him, looking over my shoulder. “After everything I've told you, I sure as hell wouldn't start lying now.”
    “Where are you going?”
    “To a meeting,” I shouted.
    I didn't stop walking until I got to the small basement where our meetings were held. I was twenty minutes late, but no one cared. I had come.
    Everyone sat in a circle, and I found a space between Ashley and Diem. I slid over a chair and squeezed between them, listening until it was my turn to speak. When one of the vets called on me, I took adeep breath and explained how I'd run into Sunshine twice over the last month. How I'd found her today, overdosing in front of an apartment building, and how I took her to rehab.
    “How do you feel now?” someone asked.
    I closed my eyes and replayed the scene in my head. I was leaning against the building, picturing Sunshine prepare the dope, and then I was walking toward the needle. “I can still feel it in my veins.”
    “What stopped you?” someone else asked.
    I hadn't told them about Claire. I didn't want them to think I was crazy; hearing voices inside your head was never a good thing. I already had one disease, and I didn't need another.
    “I don't want to go back there,” I said.
    “Back to what?”
    “Living on the street, screwing Johns to get my next fix,” I said.
    “As a junkie, that's part of the lifestyle. Neither matters much when you're high,” one of the vets said. “What really stopped you from using?”
    I closed my eyes again. “My best friend's voice was in my head, telling me to turn around.”
    “What if you hadn't heard her voice?” Ashley asked.
    “I wouldn't be at this meeting.”
    “Eventually, that voice will be replaced with yours,” the vet said.
    I hoped that was true.
    “I'm proud of you, Nicole,” Kathy said. “We all are.”
    Were they? I know I wasn't proud of myself.
    One of the vets asked me to lead the prayer, and we all joined hands in a circle. I spoke the lines we recited at the beginning and end of each meeting, and we all moved over to the coffee station. While I waited in line, some of the people gave me a hug and patted my shoulder. Kathy offered to pour me a cup, but I asked for a donut instead. I didn't need caffeine to keep me awake; it was going to be hard enough to sleep already.
    My roommates and I walked up the stairs. Just as I got through the door, I noticed Asher. He was