Secret Star by Nancy Springer

what it meant to be a man.
    But now—what the hell was he? Kamo had looked to him like he was still a man, and he had let the kid down.
    Kamo was looking to him again. So was Tess. Finished playing her new drum set, turning to see what he thought, and Lord God Almighty was she good. What was it going to mean for her to be a woman?
    Benson Mathis knew he had to do better for her than he’d been managing lately. He flexed his shoulders and got himself moving, got Ernestine rolling out of the doorway, across the flat doorstep and onto the grass. Finding the heart of the problem, he had found his own heart, and he felt it warming him. He felt himself smiling.
    He looked Kam in the eye. He felt his voice come out dry and friendly as he said, “What kind of damn fool would set up drums in the yard?” He said, “Kids today, got no sense. Crazy. For God’s sake bring those drums inside before it starts to rain.”
    That night it happened again. Tess’s dream. The walls, the strong walls that were supposed to hold out the bad thing, thinned and started wavering, going black, blowing like shadows in the wind.
    Don’t wake up .
    She could almost see, now, what lay behind. She could see—a man, a golden man, coming in the door with his hand raised, his face—she wanted to see his face—
    Stay with it .
    But then—then all she could see was the other man in the dark corner—and—she was just a kid, sitting on the stairs and looking down between the rails, frightened—but why? The man in the corner was just Daddy talking with Kam, the two of them as cautious as strange dogs getting acquainted, the way they had been all evening, Kam saying There’s something I have to do, Kam saying Gotta go now, but Daddy—Daddy was not in his wheelchair, why not? Standing there, reaching for his pocket, saying Get out! and she—she wanted to shake and cry and hide so she wouldn’t have to see, yet even as she watched from inside the nightmare she knew the future, knew she was going to be left all alone, she knew—she knew she would never see the most important person in her world again—
    She woke up as if a gun had gone off by her ear, feeling achy and abandoned. Then she knew. She sat straight up in bed, gasping, knowing clear to her bones what she had been too excited all evening to recognize.
    Something I have to do, Kam had said the other day. Just because she had tried to be a friend, he felt like he had to do something for her. Before he went away.
    The drums were Kamo’s way of saying good-bye.

9
    Heart thudding, she bolted out of bed and into her shirt, her jeans, her boots. She ran out the door, not even caring whether Daddy heard her thundering out in the middle of the night, whether he would worry. Let him worry. She had to find Kam before it was too late.
    Joshua had gone off in his van soon after he had brought the drums, but Kam had stayed till dusk. He was on foot. He would have gone back to his camp to get his things. Maybe—maybe there was still time.
    Of course it had to be a cloudy night, no light at all. No moon, no stars, just darkness with entirely too many hard objects in it. Trees. Roots and rocks to trip over. Obstacles, like ditches and drops and streams. Tess tried to go through the woods, but in the dark it was like combat. She had to retreat. Found the road and loped along on blind faith, figuring as long as her feet slapped down on asphalt she was okay, sobbing the whole time, barely able to breathe as she kept running. Every once in a while there was a farm with its security lights on so she knew where she was. But it was eerie quiet. Not one car passed. The only sounds she heard were herself, crying, and farm dogs barking as her thumping feet ran by.
    When she got near Hinkles Corner she ran like a runaway truck down through the salvage yard and the sawmill yard, where there were lights, and then she charged on into the woods. No