Selby Splits by Duncan Ball Page A

part of all: the magic words,’ Madame Mascara said, leaning towards the book and chanting:
    ‘Witchity wotchity finicky funk
Tinkery tankery wobbly wunk
Dab this brew on a homely soul
And everyone shall see a gorgeous hunk’
    ‘Oh, dear. Gorgeous hunk,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘I think this potion is meant for a man. Dr Trifle! Could you come here?’
    ‘I’m in the middle of something,’ Dr Trifle sang out from his workroom.‘Would you mind coming here instead?’
    Madame Mascara quickly snatched up the pot and stepped forward, not noticing Selby still staring at the bite out of his tail fur. And as she did so, she tripped, spilling the pot.
    ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought as he jumped to his feet. ‘I’ve been dabbed! What am I talking about? — I’ve been drenched! Get this guck off me!’
    ‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried, grabbing a towel and beginning to dry him.‘You poor dear.’
    ‘Oh, drat,’ Madame Mascara mumbled. ‘All that work and now I’ll have to start all over again.’
    ‘What’s the commotion about?’ Dr Trifle said as he appeared in the doorway. ‘And what’s that strange smell?’
    ‘We spilled love potion on Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said.
    ‘Love potion? But there isn’t any such thing as a love potion.’
    Selby saw a strange look come into Dr Trifle’s eyes. At first Dr Trifle was amazed, then dazed and then his eyes were completely glazed.
    ‘My goodness,’ he said.‘Selby does look good today. He’s downright handsome — handsomer than I’ve ever seen him before. Selby, what’s happened to you?’
    ‘Hey, he thinks I’m handsome,’ Selby thought.
    Selby turned to see the glazed look come into Mrs Trifle’s and Madame Mascara’s eyes.
    ‘He looks rather … fetching,’ Madame Mascara said, taking a deep breath.
    ‘Fetching?’ Selby thought, as he caught sight of himself in the mirror. ‘I’m just me — I just look normal … actually, I think I look rather good today. Hmmm, but there is something weird about mirrors.’
    By now, Madame Mascara and Dr and Mrs Trifle were kneeling on the floor, hugging Selby and stroking his fur.
    ‘Oooooooooh Selby!’ Mrs Trifle moaned, clutching him closer.
    ‘Selby, you are absolutely beautiful!’ Dr Trifle said, wrapping his arms around Selby’s middle.
    ‘This is kind of nice,’ Selby thought. ‘I guess that Passion Potion works after all. Lucky me.’
    ‘You’re the most gorgeous hunk I’ve ever seen!’ Madame Mascara squealed, pressing her face to his. ‘I’m going to sack all of my models and put you in my next
House of Mascara
perfume catalogue. Just you you you! You are the most scrumptious dog in the … the universe! When people see your picture they’ll buy everything!’

    ‘Hey, hang on!’ Selby thought as he tried to wriggle free. ‘This is getting a bit much. Their eyes were glazed and now they’re crazed! They’ve all gone gaga! Oh, well, it should wear off in a minute or so.’
    Just then Selby’s eyes saw the lines at the bottom of page XXV in
Ye Olde Booke of Potions and Spelles
.
    When the spell is said and the potion applied
And it has well and truly dried
It shall forever with thee reside.
    ‘
Forever with thee reside
. What does that mean? Oh, no! Once it dries it’s on me forever! It never wears off! I’ve got to have a shower — quick!’
    Selby struggled free and then turned towards the bathroom only to have the three of them dive in front of him.
    ‘I’ll never make it!’ he said, dashing out the door. ‘My only hope is to get to the showers at the sportsground!’
    ‘Please come back!’ they screamed after him. ‘Don’t ever leave us!’
    In a second, Selby was around the corner, over a fence and running through bushland towards the sportsground.
    Suddenly the branches of the bush parted in front of him and there, staring with grinning faces, were the dreadful duo, Willy and Billy. Before Selby could jump sideways, their hands shot out and grabbed him.
    ‘I’ve got you