Selby Splits by Duncan Ball

said.
    ‘It’s a
love
potion,’ Madame Mascara explained, waving her long purple fingernails in the air.‘Dab a bit on you and everyone who smells it will get all huggy huggy and kissy kissy.’
    ‘Do you really believe there’s such a thing as a love potion?’
    ‘Of course I do! One whiff and people go crazy with love. And love
is
a kind of craziness.’
    ‘I don’t know,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I love my husband and I love Selby but I don’t go crazy over them.’
    ‘No, my darling Mrs Trifle. You
love
them. Being
in love
is completely different. People who are
in love
will climb the highest mountain or dive to the bottom of the sea. They will doanything for the person they’re in love with. They just go mad mad mad.’
    ‘Why do you want to make people go mad mad mad?’
    ‘I will put love potion in one of my House of Mascara perfumes. I will call it
Madame Mascara’s Passion Potion.
Everyone will flock to buy it. They will pay anything! And I’ll be filmy rich. Of course I’m already filthy rich but this will make me even filthier rich. I can’t wait! Turn to page XXV in the book and let’s get mixing!’
    Mrs Trifle opened the book as Madame Mascara put some water in the pot.
    ‘I’m only putting in a tiny bit of water because I want it to be a very potent passion potion,’ she said. ‘I’m not going to heat it because heat will make it weaker. Okay, what’s the first ingredient?’
    ‘It says
wing of bat,’
Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m afraid I don’t have any of that.’
    ‘Then we’ll substitute something else,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘A good cook alwayssubstitutes things. How about licorice? That’s black and gummy like a bat’s wing.’
    ‘I have some sweets in a jar from when the girls’ hockey team was over the other day. I think I have a licorice jelly bean.’
    ‘Chuck it in,’ Madame Mascara said.
    Mrs Trifle threw the jelly bean into the pot and then read the next ingredient on the list —
eye of newt
. What’s a newt?’
    ‘Oh, it’s just one of those slimy little lizardy things. How about a piece of sago, that looks like a newt’s eye.’
    Mrs Trifle threw a piece of sago into the pot and watched as Madame Mascara stirred it in with a big wooden paddle.
    ‘This is ridiculous,’ Selby thought. ‘The woman’s an idiot.’
    ‘This one’s easier,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘
Slime of snail
. But we’ve got rid of our snails.’
    ‘Slime of
slug
will have to do,’ Madame Mascara said.‘I’ve got some of that.’
    Madame Mascara whipped a jar out of her pocket, scooped out a gob of goo and flicked it into the pot.
    ‘What’s next?’ she asked.
    ‘A
clutch of cobwebs
,’ Mrs Trifle said reading on.
    ‘Got that, too,’ Madame Mascara said, throwing a handful of sticky spider web into the pot.‘Next?’
    ‘A
pinch of ragweed
,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘I’ve never seen ragweed growing around Bogusville.’
    ‘Neither have I,’ Madame Mascara said, pulling a few small flowers out of her pocket. ‘So we’ll have to make do with flannel flowers.’
    ‘But ragweed is a completely different plant to a flannel flower.’
    ‘Yes but think of it this way: rags are made of cloth and flannel is a
kind
of cloth, so it’s close enough. What’s next?’
    ‘
Hair of wolf
,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We don’t even have a wolf at the zoo.’
    ‘Easy peazy,’ Madame M said, grabbing a clump of Selby’s fur from the end of his tail and clipping it off so quickly that he didn’t have a chance to blink. ‘This is why I wanted hair of
dog
. A wolf is just a kind of dog, after all. Now to give it a good stir.’
    Selby jumped to his feet and spun around, looking at his tail.
    ‘I’ll have to wait ages till it grows back!’ he thought. ‘I should have got out of here when that fortune-telling fruitcake came in! What a waste of good fur — this love potion stuff is never going to work anyway. Especially not with all the wrong ingredients.’
    ‘Now for the most important