Sex and the Confession Box by M.H.O'Hara

be the truth ready myself to march up to him and slap his face then break down and beg him to save me come away with me, all in the eyes of god.

The door opened and two wee old women came out with their headscarf’s around their heads, oh don’t sit there love you’ll get piles. I smiled and got up don’t you just love old people they always worry about their bodily functions’ I went in I didn’t dip my hands in the holy water neither did I bless myself I stepped inside and the smell of prayers and faith hit me along with the insense. Some were shuffling out and there were a few pensioners at the altar talking to a priest I strained to see if it was Peter  between the pews It wasn’t, a mix of disappointment and sadness flowed through my veins, I headed over to the confessional boxes where we first met, walking alongside them they all had each priests name above the doors just like on that fateful day, Father Harkin, Father O Callaghan Father Sheehy, I stopped frozen, father Sheehy it should say Father O Kane, where was his name. As I stood there thoughts racing a man’s voice behind, excuse me are you looking for confession? I spun around to see the priest who had been at the alter giving mass. No Father I was looking for yes? Father O Kane? Is he here Father O Kane is no longer here my child. No longer here has he left my head beating in my chest a huge broad smile spread across my face. Yes he’s moved to another parish. My heart fell on to the ground before me and before god. What do you mean another parish? Well many of us stay for different periods at different parishes father peter was moved to a new parish where. Where what parish? OH I’m afraid I don’t know, you don’t know find out I said as I almost screamed in this priest face. He took a step back unsure as to what was happening, Are you ok. Yes I’m sorry it’s just I trusted father peter I need to confess to him where has he gone could you find out for me it really is a matter of life and death. There I go again another mortal sin, Ah fuck it god had no problems breaking all the promises he made to me and there where many. I will go back and ask Father Harkin, I’m Father peters replacement so I’m unsure as to where exactly he’s be able to assist you. Thank you I followed him then sat in the pews closed to the altar waiting looked up at the sky and cast a look of disappointment up there, he had let me down too often, he had let awful things happen he’d disappointed me .I felt no shame just anger and hardness of heart setting in.
     
    A few minutes later the young priest Father O Callaghan came out with a much older priest, stern looking ole fellow who came towards me with a look of annoyance before we’d even spoken. Your enquiring about Father Peter? Yes Father, well he’s been moved to another parish Yes Father this priest already explained that to me I wanted to know to which parish. And what business is that of yours young lady? He said in a right frigging cheeky voice, that condescending voice they use as he looked me up and down and looked at me as though I was a street walker and could smell my sins, you know the sort of priest who turned good Catholics away from the faith due to their harsh judgements and arrogance of heart. He helped me and I need to speak to him again it’s a matter of life or death and I didn’t lie that’s how it was. Without him the truth I would die more in my heart in my soul, Father Peter the truth as to where he was why hadn’t he come back yet could save me, help me understand stop the mind circling all sorts of crazy thoughts and ideas, I could keep holding on or let go but I needed to know or I could do neither and they could deliver me from this limbo. If it’s a matter of life or death young lady I suggest you attend the hospital he drew awkwardly close to me now walking harrowingly into my bones his eyes were full of hate he despised me, his eyes rotted with the filth of life he believed