Shmirshky by E Page B

Twilight Zone). Not to mention the many hours in your lifetime dedicated to picking out period paraphernalia. Yikes! You’ve got your heavy, your light, your scented, your long, your wide, your thong, your miniflow, your maxiflow, your gold, your silver, and your bronze. How about the applicators? Cardboard, plastic, environmentally friendly, or the string only. Oh, my favorite is the pad with wings! Wings? I don’t want wings when I’m on my period, I want ice cream.
    We spend most of our time wondering where our period is, when it’s going to come, and when it will go away. It’s less like a period and more like a question mark. The only thing consistent about my period was that it always seemed to join my husband and me on our vacations (including our honeymoon!). Of course, everyone wants to take their period with them on vacation, right? I packed it a bag, bought it a pair of sunglasses and some wings, and off we went. My husband, David, my period, and I have been to many fun places over the past thirty-four years. It’s no wonder that from the moment I first got my period, I was sure I’d never miss it once it was gone. And why would I? I figured PM&M would be a piece of cake . . . mmm, cake!

CHAPTER 2
shmirshky latin
    So what the hell is PM&M if not a delicious dessert? Well, if you don’t know anything about a subject, the first thing you do is look it up, right? There are lots of long funky words involved in the PM&M experience, so let’s see what Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary 5 can tell us about a few of the key terms (in order of experience):
    pre·ma·ture men·o·pause
    Pronunciation:
    Function: noun
    : refers to menopause that occurs before the age of forty 6
    pre·men·o·pause
    Pronunciation:
    Function: noun
    : the premenopausal period of a woman’s life; especially : the period of irregular menstrual cycles preceding menopause
    peri·men·o·pause
    Pronunciation:
    Function: noun
    : the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity)
    men·o·pause
    Pronunciation:
    Function: noun
    1 a (1) : the natural cessation of menstruation occurring usually between the ages of 45 and 55 with a mean in Western cultures of approximately 51 (2) : the physiological period in the life of a woman in which such cessation and the accompanying regression of ovarian function occurs—called also climacteric —compare PERIMENOPAUSE b : cessation of menstruation from other than natural causes (as from surgical removal of the ovaries)
    post·men·o·paus·al
    Pronunciation:
    Function: adjective
    1 : having undergone menopause < postmenopausal women>
    2 : occurring after menopause < postmenopausal osteoporosis> - post·men·o·paus·al·ly // adverb
    Wow, these definitions are soooo simple. It sounds like a breeze. It comes and goes, and you’re done! Wouldn’t that be nice? Clearly no one checked with Mrs. Webster before printing these definitions. No wonder I thought PM&M would be as easy as pie . . . mmm, pie!

CHAPTER 3
shmirshky alert
    As it turns out, PM&M isn’t just the simple cessation of a bodily function. It’s your brain, your body, and your life transforming into something you’re totally unfamiliar with. You begin to question your sanity, relationships, hormones, genetics, sex drive, age, food, clothes, underwear, everything! It’s an every day, all day, and all-consuming shmirshky shitstorm.
    Here’s a little forecast of what this storm might entail: 7
    â€¢ You begin worrying that you may be in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, 8 because you can’t seem to grab a memory or a thought. You look at your dear friends and children and blank on their names. Your refrigerator and the dashboard of your car are plastered with sticky note reminders.
    â€¢ Your eyes are constantly watering, as the least little