Short Fiction of Flann O'Brien (Irish Literature) by Flann O’Brien

doctor doesn’t know how bad I am. I didn’t tell him the whole story, no damn fear. So out with me to the jax where I take another one. Then back for a drink, still as wide-awake as a lark. You’ll have to go home now, the doctor says, we can’t have you passing out here, that stuff acts very quickly. Well, I have one more drink and off with me, in a bus , mind you, to the flat. I’m very surprised on the bus to find meself so wide-awake, looking out at people and reading the signs on shops. Then I begin to get afraid that the stuff is too weak and that I’ll be lying awake for the rest of the evening and all night. To hell with it, I say to meself, we’ll chance two more and let that be the end of it. Down went two more in the bus. I get there and into the flat. I’m still wide-awake and nothing will do me only one more pill for luck. I get into bed. I don’t remember putting the head on the pillow. I wouldn’t go out quicker if you hit me over the head with a crow-bar.
    — You probably took a dangerous over-dose .
    —Next thing I know I’m awake. It’s dark. I sit up. There’s matches there and I strike one. I look at the watch. The watch is stopped. I get up and look at the clock. Of course the clock is stopped, hasn’t been wound for days. I don’t know what time it is. I’m a bit upset about this. I turn on the wireless. It takes about a year to heat up and would you believe me I try a dozen stations all over the place and not one of them is telling what the time is. Of course I knew there was no point in trying American stations. I’m very disappointed because I sort of expected a voice to say “It is now seven thirty P.M. ” or whatever the time was. I turn off the wireless and begin to wonder. I don’t know what time it is. Then , bedamnit, another thing strikes me. What day is it ? How long have I been asleep with that dose? Well lookat, I got a hell of a fright when I found I didn’t know what day it was. I got one hell of a fright.
    — Was there not an accumulation of milk-bottles or newspapers ?
    —There wasn’t—all that was stopped because I was supposed to be staying with the brother-in-law. What do I do? On with all the clothes and out to find what time it is and what day it is. The funny thing is I’m not feeling too bad. Off with me down the street. There’s lights showing in the houses. That means it’s night-time and not early in the morning. Then I see a bus. That means it’s not yet half-nine, because they stopped at half-nine that time. Then I see a clock. It’s twenty past nine! But I still don’t know what day it is and it’s too late to buy an evening paper. There’s only one thing—into a pub and get a look at one. So I march into the nearest, very quiet and correct and say a bottle of stout please. All the other customers look very sober and I think they are all talking very low. When the man brings me the bottle I say to him I beg your pardon but I had a few bob on a horse today, could you please give me a look at an evening paper? The man looks at me and says what horse was it? It was like a blow in the face to me, that question! I can’t answer at all at first and then I stutter something about Hartigan’s horses. None of them horses won a race today, the man says, and there was a paper here but it’s gone. So I drink up the bottle and march out. It’s funny, finding out about the day. You can’t stop a man in the street and say have you got the right day please? God knows what would happen if you done that. I know be now that it’s no use telling lies about horses, so in with me to another pub, order a bottle and ask the man has he got an evening paper. The missus has it upstairs, he says, there’s nothing on it anyway. I now begin to think the best thing is to dial O on the phone, ask for Inquiries and find out that way. I’m on me way to a call-box when I begin to think that’s a very bad idea. The girl might say hold on and I’ll find out, I hang