Snared (Jaded Regret #1) by L.L. Collins

me. “Are you thinking about committing suicide?”
    I tapped my fingers on my legs in a rapid rhythm. “Not really.”
    “Not really ? You’re going to have to give me a little more than that.”
    I sighed, tapping harder on my legs. “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t want to be a chicken shit like my dad. I love being a drummer and it’s the only thing keeping my head straight. I’ve just been thinking a lot about my life and where it’s going.”
    She nodded, satisfied because I hardly ever said that many sentences to her in our entire session. “Where do you want it to go, Beau?”
    “I don’t know. I want to be happy.”
    “And you aren’t.” It wasn’t a question.
    “I thought I was.”
    “What does that mean?”
    How did I describe a stranger sending me into a tailspin and making me wondering why the hell I was on this earth? “I don’t think I know what ‘happy’ means. When I’m playing, I’m free. The second I stop, my head is all full again. The only thing that defines me is being a drummer.”
    “And a brother.”
    “Natalie needs a life outside of me. She’s given up her whole life for me.”
    “Do you think she sees it that way?”
    “She never puts her needs first. What thirty-year-old woman still wants to be taking care of her fuck-up of a brother because he’s so mental he can’t live alone?”
    “It’s not that you can’t live alone, Beau. It’s that Natalie doesn’t want you to be alone. Do you see the difference?”
    “She has no life outside Jaded Regret and me. I know she has issues, too, but I have no idea what they are because she would never burden me with them. She lives in a constant state of fear that I’m not okay. What kind of life is that for her?”
    “You’re going to have to be okay with Natalie’s decision to be there for you. It’s her choice, and you can’t do anything about it. What you can control is what is going on with you, though. So let’s focus on that. Can you think of any reason your mental state might have changed? I can up your dosage, but I want to make sure it’s really what you need.”
    April’s face filled my mind. What had changed my mental state? I had her angelic face seared into my brain, but I knew that there wasn’t any fucking way on Earth I deserved even to look at her, much less do anything else with her. I found myself wanting something beyond what I’d been accustomed to, and it was fucking me up. I knew what my limitations were, but my brain wouldn’t listen.
    “Where did you go?” Her voice snapped my attention back to her. “You know what happened, don’t you Beau?”
    I didn’t want to speak April’s name out loud. If I said it, it would make her part of the disease that was me.
    “No, I have no idea. Just give me more meds.” If she knew I was lying, she didn’t let on.
    Maybe if I took enough of the meds, it would stop me from thinking at all, and I could forget I’d ever laid eyes on April Knight.

Beau
    “BRO.” MY MATTRESS dipped next to me on my bed as someone sat down. I groaned and rolled over. What the hell time was it, and who was waking me up? “Beau.”
    I cracked my eye open. It was our only motherfucking day off from the last few weeks, and Johnny was sitting on my bed. “What the hell do you want?”
    “Get up, sunshine.”
    “Why?”
    “We’re going to Orlando.”
    My stomach free fell into my feet. “For what?”
    “Beats is closing,” Johnny said. Beats? My fuzzy brain refused to register his words because I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of seeing April. But Orlando was a huge place, and the likelihood of seeing her was next to nothing. Not to mention, I didn’t need to see her, anyway.
    Our trip to New York had been fantastic and productive. I’d forced myself to be a little more social to stay off Natalie’s radar. The new dosage of my meds had helped keep my head in a better place, though I’d planned on staying in bed today to wallow in my own