Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (Toad Witch Series, Book One) by Christiana Miller Page B

front of me, she would spray me with a mouthful of gin and chant in Yoruban, alternately pleading with the heavens and spraying me with gin.
    I tried not to flinch. Some of the gin got in my eyes. I could feel them tearing up, but I didn’t want to interrupt her to go wash them out.
    I looked over at Gus, to see if he was laughing, but he just had an intense, interested look on his face.
    Then Mama Lua got another egg and ran it over me again. This time when she cracked it, it was gray.
    Mama made a face, displeased. “I will try one more time. If the egg is still dark, you must return. We will prepare a black hen.”
    She took a vial of oil, put a little on her finger and anointed me with it, marking my forehead, throat, hands with magical sigils. Then she picked up an Oshun doll she had made from feathers and rocks and used it to do a blessing on me, making sigils in the air, while chanting in Yoruban.
    I sent up every prayer I could think of, that the egg would come out normal. I had heard that if you have to return for one of her full-bore cures, it involved blood and gore. A wild dance in the moonlight, culminating in the slitting of a sacrificial hen’s throat. Just the thought of it made my stomach turn.
    After another go-round with smoke and gin, Mama Lua picked up the last egg and ran it over me again. As she cracked it, I could feel myself shaking. This time, though, when the yolk fell into the bowl, it was a bright, cheery yellow. The air rushed out of me and I realized I had been holding my breath.
    She nodded, happy. Mama Lua bowed to her altar again, chanted something else in Yoruban and blew out the candles.
    When we went back into the store, I gave her Alegba the last twenty dollar bill I had left. You can’t have Orishas do that kind of work for you without leaving them something.
     
    Gus was bouncing up and down like a kid, all the way back to my place. “That was cool! Did you see that? That was so cool!”
    “Really, not so much, if you’re the one turning the egg black. It’s kind of creepy.”
    “Who knew you had that much toxic spiritual residue on you?”
    “And you’ve been with me all day. Aren’t you afraid some of it may have rubbed off?”
    “Not me. I’m like magic Teflon.”
    “Uh-huh. What should I make for dinner?”
    He opened my refrigerator and rooted through the crispers. “Ever hear of fruits or vegetables?”
    “There’s fruit-flavored gummy bears in the cupboard.”
    “You’re hopeless.”
    “You just noticed? Produce is expensive.”
    “Tell me you at least take vitamins,” he said, giving up on the fridge. “I have no idea what you can make with the ingredients you have in there. Are you sure you even know how to cook?”
    “Hey, I know how to do a lot of things. Just because I don’t do them often, doesn’t mean I don’t know how.”
    “Thank goodness for that. Or your sex life would be completely doomed.”
    Fucker. Too bad he was right.
     
    I cooked up a Mara Surprise, (which is pretty much everything in the fridge, mixed with eggs and some seasonings), while Gus took a shower. It turned out edible, which was more than I expected.
    After dinner, Gus flipped on the TV. There was a Cary Grant marathon on AMC. While Gus watched Bringing Up Baby , I dumped a packet of blue balls in a bucket of Florida water and cleansed the apartment — physically, psychically, magically — until it felt as clean as I did when that third egg cracked yellow.
     
    Around eleven, Gus stood up and walked down the hall to my bedroom, dropping clothes in his wake.
     ”Hey! What are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for a hot date with your latest conquest?” I asked, picking up the clothes as fast as he could toss them.
    “Yeah, that. That’s over. He woke up this morning covered in hives and he thought I had cursed him. How ironic is that? So I’m all yours, chica .” He crawled into bed.
    “So that’s why you came over so early this