Surfacing by Margaret Atwood Page A

trees, doubling themselves in the dark mirror. Around us the illusion of infinite space or of no space, ourselves and the obscure shore which it seems we could touch, the water between an absence. The canoe’s reflection floats with us, the paddles twin in the lake. It’s like moving on air, nothing beneath us holding us up; suspended, we drift home.

CHAPTER EIGHT
    In the early morning Joe wakes me; his hands at any rate are intelligent, they move over me delicately as a blind man’s reading braille, skilled, moulding me like a vase, they’re learning me; they repeat patterns he’s tried before, they’ve found out what works, and my body responds that way too, anticipates him, educated, crisp as a typewriter. It’s best when you don’t know them. A phrase comes to me, a joke then but mournful now, someone in a parked car after a highschool dance who said With a paper bag over their head they’re all the same. At the time I didn’t understand what he meant, but since then I’ve pondered it. It’s almost like a coat of arms: two people making love with paper bags over their heads, not even any eyeholes. Would that be good or bad?
    When we’re finished and after we rest I get up and dress and go out to prepare the fish. It’s been hanging all night, the string through its gills looped to a tree branch out of the reach of scavengers, raccoons, otters, mink, skunks. A squeezing of fish shit, like a bird’s only browner, drools from the anus. I untie the string and carry the fish down to the lake to clean and fillet it.
    I kneel on the flat rock beside the lake, the knife and the plate for the fillets beside me. This was never my job; someone else did it, my brother or my father. I cut off the head and tail and slit the belly and open the fish into its two halves. Inside the stomach is a partly digested leech and some shreds of crayfish. I divide along the backbone, then along the two lateral lines: four pieces, blueish white, translucent. The entrails will be buried in the garden, they’re fertilizer.
    As I’m washing the fillets David saunters down to the dock with his toothbrush. “Hey,” he says, “is that my fish?” He regards the guts on the plate with interest. “Hold it,” he says, “that’s a Random Sample.” He goes for Joe and the camera and the two of them solemnly film the fish innards, collapsed bladders and tubes and soft ropes, rearranging them between takes for better angles. It would never occur to David to have someone snap him with a Brownie camera holding his fish up by the tail and grinning, nor would he ever have it stuffed and mounted; still, he wants to immortalize it, in his own way. Photo album, I’m in it somewhere, successive incarnations of me preserved and flattened like flowers pressed in dictionaries; that was the other book she kept, the leather album, a logbook like the diaries. I used to hate standing still, waiting for the click.
    I dip the fillets in flour and fry them and we eat them with strips of bacon. “Good food, good meat, Good God, let’s eat,” David says; and later, smacking his lips, “Couldn’t get this in the city.”
    Anna says “Sure you could, frozen. You can get anything there now.”
    After breakfast I go into my room and begin to pack. Through the plywood wall I hear Anna walking, pouring more coffee, the creak as David stretches out on the couch.
    Perhaps I should fold up all the bedding and towels and the abandoned clothes, tie them into bundles and take them back with me. No one will be living here now and the moths and the mice will get in eventually. If he doesn’t ever decide to return I suppose it belongs to me, or half to me and half to my brother; but my brother won’t do anything about it, after he left he’s evaded them as much as I have. He set it up better though, he simply went as far away as he could: if I stuck a knitting needle straight through the earth the point would emerge where he is now, camped in the outback,