That Which Destroys Me by Kimber S. Dawn

his blood I move to see if he’s alive but stop myself before touching him. If he isn’t dead and I wake him I won’t like what happens. The screams continue getting louder. If they don’t stop then I’ll be the one that pays for it, he’ll come after me again. I don’t think I can handle more broken bones or other forms of agony he forces me to endure, not on top of all the bloody carnage I am having to witness. I cover my ears to stifle the shrieks but blood smears into my hair and on my face. I try to scream at them to shut up! I need them to shut up… When I try to yell at them to stop I realize the screams bouncing off the bare trailer walls are my own. Immediately I shove my fist into my mouth in an effort to smother my screams. As soon as the metallic taste of blood hits my tongue I gag around my blood soaked fist heaving up what little supper I ate.
    I’m jerked from my nightmare by Eve lightly shaking me and whispering, “Stell. Stell, wake up, sweetie. You’re having another nightmare, wake up.”
    “Hey, sis. I’m okay, I’m up. Sorry.” I sit up and hug her neck, immediately I feel her tears on my shoulder and gently stroke her fine blond hair. “Sis, hey. Don’t cry. I’m okay.” I pull back and smile at her. “See, it was just a nightmare, babe.”
    “I don’t know how you do it, Stell.” She sniffs before wiping the tears away from her almond shaped blue eyes. “I know you don’t cry. I know you’re strong, but the shit you scream in your nightmares scares the living hell out of me. You don’t always have to be strong. If you wanted to talk to—“
    “Eve. Stop that fucking crazy thought train right now. I spent my whole damn life in therapy—on antidepressants and group meetings up to five times a week. It didn’t help then, and it won’t help now. The shit that I’ve been through is shit that I talked about and rehashed until I was blue in the face. There comes a time when you leave the past where it belongs, accept that life is shit, accept that it’s up to you and you alone to make YOU… ME happy. And I have, sweetie. I’m fine.” I smile again trying to convince her that I am okay.
    “Have you thought about… Have you wanted to cut, Stell?”
    I answer as honestly as I can, “If I have I quickly reminded myself that I’m not a coward. And THAT is the easy way out. I’m just fine on the path I’m on right now.”
    “I love you, you’re like a sister me. I just don’t want you in hell all alone.” She looks at my pleadingly, and I can’t help the sinister laugh that escapes my chest.
    “Sweetie, you couldn’t handle my hell. You just stay where you are, stay honest and pure, stay beautiful and untainted. Smile for the photogs and do your damn thing girl. Because THAT makes me happy. Too see you happy, makes me happy, Eve. Understand?”
    She nods before hugging my neck. “Here, your bed is drenched in sweat again. I’ll throw these in the wash and be back to help you make your bed up.”
    “Okay. Hey, I didn’t wake anyone else up did I?” I ask.
    “No, Bo is still passed out from drinking too much during the Jets pre-season game. Trina’s still in her room asleep.”
    “Whew, okay good. Thanks sissy.”
    After she helps me get my bed made I lie awake looking at my ceiling until the sun rises the next morning. My thoughts are all over the place. Wesley, I don’t know what the hell is going on between me and him.
    It’s hard as hell for me to deny him anything he wants. And, Jesus Christmas I love to make him proud, or happy. Shit I get butterflies just from making him smile! The ‘good job.’ Or ‘damn you’re a quick learner.’’s I get from him make me smile like a damn love struck fool.
    From the moment his hand circled my elbow at Chained and he lead me to his car I’d let any and all reservations I previously had where Wesley Jacobs was concerned just float away. Well, except for when he sat back like the devil and refused to give my body