The Alexandra Series by Lizbeth Dusseau

about you, I start to masturbate, and…” I stopped unable to finish.
    “And what?”
    “My mind veers off to all these strange places.”
    “Like what?”
    “It’s really rough…”
    “Keep going.”
    “I think about being…well…” I couldn’t imagine saying it aloud.
    “What Alex? What do you think about?”
    “I can’t!” I was practically in tears, and covered my face in my hands.
    “Oh, but you can,” he assured me, as he pried my hands away. “Look at me.”
    I did. Nope. It didn’t make it any easier. “I’d rather look away.”
    I felt his exasperation. “Nothing could be as bad as what you’re putting yourself through. I’m sure I can handle whatever it is.”
    I was fairly sure of that, too. It was just spitting out the words.
    I gulped my emotion and took a deep breath. “I dream about being dominated, sexually dominated,” I finally spit out the truth.
    The announcement hardly ruffled a feather in his cool reserve, and as if it was no big deal, he quickly went on, “So what else? Tell me everything.”
    “Everything?” I winced.
    “Everything.” I had a feeling we would stay right where we were until he was satisfied. Well, I didn’t tell him everything, but I did tell him about being given away to several men, about the chains, the bondage, the spanking, and how the fantasies had taken over my thoughts and now suddenly appeared even when we were in bed together. I was sure to emphasize how miserable this was making me – as if he hadn’t already seen that.
    “So that’s it?” he asked when I finished my terrible litany.
    “Yeah, isn’t it enough?” I sighed. “What do you think?”
    For the first time since our discussion began he smiled – warmly in fact. “I think you’ve made way too much out of something that is more common than you think. You’re certainly not alone in your fantasies. There’s nothing you’ve said that I haven’t thought about in my own way. Frankly, I was pretty sure that this was exactly the kind of thing that you’d confess. But it was important for you to tell me yourself.”
    “So, I’m not some kind of freak?”
    He laughed. “No, you’re not some kind of freak.”
    Little by little my anxiety began to lose its grip.
    “And see, you made a big deal of it for nothing. Don’t you feel better?”
    “A little. But those thoughts aren’t going to go away.”
    “I wouldn’t imagine that they would. How long have you had thoughts like these?”
    “Oh, dear…I don’t remember when I didn’t have them. I mean they’ve changed over time, certainly becoming more extreme – but even when I was a kid I had odd kinds of spanking fantasies.”
    “Then you’re right. They aren’t about to go away just because you confessed them to me.”
    “So what do I do about them?”
    He thought a moment – considering options, I’d guess. “I’m afraid you’re not going to like what I have to say,” he warned.
    “Well, go ahead and say it.”
    “Start diving in. Get a little crazy for awhile.”
    I flinched. “You don’t mean that!”
    “I do. You can’t ignore your fantasies anymore – you know how well that’s worked. Getting a little kinky certainly isn’t going to kill you. You know the old saying…you gotta confront your fears. Your fantasies are at the heart of your problem. You need to have fun with them. …trust me, it’ll untie the knot that has you so bound up.”
    “I wouldn’t know where to start.” I gazed away, suddenly inside myself and needing Will to leave me be. “I imagine you’re right. I certainly haven’t gotten anywhere trying to will them away. But I need to think about it…”
    “Well then, you think about it.” He tousled my hair and pulled me into his chest, where I felt the warmth of his body and his embracing arms soothe me. “I’m not going to push you, Alex. Take all the time you need. But this isn’t something you can avoid forever.”
    I thought about that conversation long and